I lost, but i fought 2 || J.B

Chapter 2

*warning: cutting and suicidal thoughts*

Second month of pregnancy. School is back on, yet i just go to my classes, talk to no one and go home, keeping a low life. Not talking to anyone, not teachers, not friends, no one at school. I've had some gigs at some bars and it's been fun, fun enough to take my mind off everything and just live in the moment of the music. I haven't told Andrea, but i have too. Caitlin knows that I'm pregnant and single. She doesn't know it's Justin's child so she thinks I cheated and now she hates me. I didn't turn on my phone, it's still off, so i haven't read any of the texts yet.

If you look closely i have a slight baby bump, but i think the only reason why i have it so early is because I'm skinny again. I've gotten better, but otherwise worse. I eat again and pretend everything is better, but in reality everything is worse. I cut, but no one knows. I hide it with big sweaters and bracelets. In reality I'm going insane.

"Hannah?" Andrea questions, snapping me out of my thoughts. "You were going to tell me something?" She asks. That's where i am right now, preparing to have my dreams crushed. I nod.

"I'm- eh, I'm-" i stutter almost sobbing.

"Hannah tell me, what is wrong?" She demands strictly, but yet so softly.

"I've ruined everything" i sob, my face in my hands. "I'm pregnant" i sob. "I'm fucking pregnant" i repeat in an angrier tone.

"Hannah" Andrea says, but i ignore her. "It's okay" she says rubbing my back.

"I can't get famous if I'm pregnant" i sob. "I just want to sing my whole life"

"You will" she assures me. "This can be good if we use it right" she continues to rub my back. I look up at her through tearful eyes.

"Really?" I ask hope full, i was sure this would ruin everything. She nods, and i smile, a real genuine smile, for the first time in a while.

"How far are you?" She asks.

"Two months" i nod looking down at my stomach hidden behind a giant sweater.

We keep talking about music, just as we normally do when we meet up. Andrea is a very nice, but intimidating woman. She gets very easily angry, but she took the pregnancy thing very nice.

"I have my first ultrasound in a month" i say to Christian. We are eating now. I hear Caitlin scoff, but i just ignore her, she doesn't understand.

"Who is coming with you?" Sandi asks probably hearing what i said.

"No one" i shrug.

"Can i?" Christian asks quietly.

"Of course" i say, he looks up at me and smiles.

"But i wanted too" Sandi whines. They've all been supportive, except Caitlin. Pattie too, but she's kinda disappointed that i broke up with him. She didn't see it the same way i do, but she understands.

"You can come next time" i say my voice as dull as always. Nothing is like it used to be, i used to dress in so colorful clothes and my voice used to be happy, but not anymore it's mostly black/grey and my voice is so lame and dull. "I'm full" i say pushing my empty plate a little away. "Thank you" i say, I'm the only one in this family that thanks for the food after i've eaten it, but it's a habit from Norway so i always do it.

I throw myself into the bed. Thinking like always, over thinking everything. I miss him, i miss the person that meant the most for me. He's gone, maybe he doesn't even miss me, maybe he already moved on. I wipe away my tears. I walk over to the bathroom, finding my blade, slicing it over my skin. I blame the baby, it's his or her fault. If it didn't have to come i would still be together with Justin, i would still know that he would come home to me. I slowly realize that i hate this baby. I hate it so much. After cutting 5 semi deep cut on my wrist, i throw the blade across the bathroom.

"I hate you" i scream. "It's your fault" i scream getting up. "It's your fault I'm so fucked up" i punch the wall. "It's your fault he's gone" i throw the vase of flowers Justin gave to me once when we went on a date. "Everything is your fault, you stupid little baby" i scream tears falling down my face. "I hate you!" I scream louder falling to my knees, blood pouring down my hand, tears poring down my face.

"Hannah?" I hear a worries Christian say from behind me. "What have you done to yourself?" He asks referring to my wrists. I just shrug not looking up. "Hannah?" He asks again his voice cracking. I look up at him and see tears falling. My lip trembles again.

"Stop, don't cry" i say to him, but just as i say it he falls to his knees and sob.

"You- you-" he sobs trying to find the right words.

"I just- i need to get my anger out" i say, he just keeps sobbing and i don't know what to do.

"You are hurting yourself for fucks sake!" He screams. I nod, because it's what i am doing, it's what I'm trying to do too. It helps in the moment and a few seconds later, but then it fades, the pain of the cut fades and all the other pain is back.

"Wish it was forever though" i mutter to myself, but i know he heard me.

"Hannah?!" He says terrified, almost insulted. "You are not killing yourself" he says strictly. I just stare at him, because i know i shouldn't, but i really want to. "No" he says again, and stand up to leave the room, I look at the door he just left in confusion, but shortly after he appears with his pillow and duvet. "I'm not letting you out if my sight, not even if you are showering, never" he says sternly trashing his duvet and pillow on my bed. "Never" he mutters to himself.