I lost, but i fought 2 || J.B

Chapter 8

Month 6, February has arrived, the month of bad memories, good memories and much much drama, the month where three weeks are weeks i talk to no one, eat almost nothing, weeks i stay in my bedroom and just scream, trying to get the horrible voice of a certain Irishman out of my head. this is also the month where the love of my life saved me.

Today, 19th of February, it's officially 4 years since they died. 4 years since hell started.

@eiramhannah: 4 years since hell started...

I tweet and then log off again. This year things have to be different, i have two kids to take care of now. So i shall deal with it differently.

I need the day off, it's not a question to be answered, it's a statement that I'm taking the day off.

I text to Andrea, she's been very strict with me being in the studio lately. She doesn't answer right away, but i don't need an answer, she can't force me to come.

"Christian?" I ask out in the house, it's been a lot of only us home lately, and sandi, will and pattie has been out a lot, every time i ask if i can come to Pattie she's always busy, and i guess that is okay.

"Yeah?" He replies.

"It's been 4 years since mama and papa died, 4 years since Lucas died, today" i state awkwardly. "And i was wondering if you wanted to look at pictures with me?" I ask shyly.

"Yeah, sure" he says smiling. I reach out my hand for him to take, and i lead him to my bedroom.

"Sit in the bed" i say walking over to the walk in closet, taking out the chest and the key. I open the chest, and take out all the pictures i have inside there. The only things left in the semi-large chest now is grandma's recipe book, some souvenirs from countries i've been such as Denmark, Spain, Thailand and Canada. I always bought them the first day we came, almost the second we entered the street. It also had some letters in them, from Lucas, grandma or grandpa. I had some postcards from when friends had been on holiday. I had the fake ring Justin gave me that he replaced with a new one, that is still on my finger, not planing to take it off. And in the far bottom right corners there is two baby rattles, one in silver, one in gold, one shaped like a star, one shaped as a sun.

The silver star was Lucas's rattle and the gold sun was mine. I remember when mama gave mine to me, telling me how much we loved them, we would be calmer with them, calmer that with anything else. She shed a tear as she told me this, she hoped that one day i would give it to my kid, now that i was almost an adult(i was just 11). With the first i got it i had run up too my room and laid it carefully in the chest that currently was just filled with a few letters and the souvenirs. Lucas had given me his, asked if i could take care of it, make sure he didn't loose it. I gladly accepted and let him put it in there himself even, as i was very protective over this chest that is a very big deal.

I look down at my stomach, a tear falls down on the white material of my tank top, which is almost the only thing in my closet along with leggings that fits anymore. I pick up the two rattles, one in each hand, i shake them a little, a small satisfying rattle is made, a sound so familiar. A sound that i think could calm me down even today. I smile as i put them down again.

Now is the time I'm having my own kid -well kids. Now is the time i should give these to my babies and give them to them later shading a tear, making my kids think I'm a total weirdo for crying over a thing like that, one day is now.

As the night continues i look at pictures with Christian on my bed, telling the stories behind the pictures, just like i did with Justin a while back. He listens, sometimes commenting, sometimes laughing and sometimes just nodding understandingly.

God, I'm glad i have Christian in my life.