I lost, but i fought 2 || J.B

Chapter 18

As I see Justin disappear into the house carefully closing the door after him. I pull out my phone and call Harry, I can't be with him, not in this mess with the accident and seeing Justin again.

"hello?" the deep voice groggily answers. shit I forgot the time differences. 

"sorry, hey it's Hannah" i say feeling slightly guilty, not only for waking him, but for what i'm about to do.

"hey" he replies, still sleepy, but more awake than last time.

"I just- I need to-" I don't know how to tell him or what to say. "I don't think we should be dating anymore" I say calmly pinching the bridge of my nose. he doesn't reply. "it's just that, I don't even know if this is in the media yet, but my kids and Fredo where in an accident, a car accident" I start.

"yeah, i heard" he replies."how are they?" he asks concerned.

"Lucas is fine, Fredo is awake and Ariel is shit" I reply, feeling tears well in my eyes.

"i'm sorry Hannah, i understand"

"thank you, you're not mad are you?" I ask.

"no, we'll still be friends right?" he asks hope full.

"yes of course, I'd be disappointed if not, I really enjoy your company" I smile.

"you too" he replies and I can imagine one of those lazy smiles on his gace.

"talk to you later" I say. "goodnight, Harry" I hang up before he gets the chance to reply. I get out of the car and jog into the house. I find Justin looking at the picture of me and him three years ago. I stand next to him and look at the picture with him. we stand there for a while before he speaks up.

"it's fake" I immediately know what he's talking about.

"I broke it off" I reply, looking up at him. we look at each other for a friction of a second before our lips smash together. he starts walking forward making me walk backwards, we arrive the white couch where he turns us around and he sits down making me follow him and straddling him as I do, I pull away to catch a breath.

"I fucking miss you" he said present tense, as in still do.

"but I'm here" i say kissing him again, he kisses back, giving my butt a little squeeze, which makes me giggle.

"but are you going to let me stay" he asks pulling away again, I look at him. am I? isn't this what I've been waiting for? it is, and I am going to let him stay, and if not in my life, in the kids life, they deserve a father.

"if you promise to teach our kids to swim" I joke. he chuckles, god, I've missed that chuckle.

 "I promise" he says giving me one last peck. I sit down next to him on the couch and we just cuddle. I hope that one day, I can wake up at three in the morning, not having to worry about being alone, not having to worry about missing him or cry because of him, i hope that one day i will wake up a three in the morning and he'll be next to me, not miles away.

"Lucas Drew" justin mutters. I smile, because he finally mentioned it. "after me?" he asks, I nod and as I'm about to answer lucas let's out a loud cry.

"I'll get him" i say mostly to myself, I always do just so I don't feel so lonely, sometimes I even laid down on the warm bathroom floor, face down, to get the warm feeling of hugging someone. it's hard feeling lonely, the thought of knowing that in reality you are alone, it always scared me, I've had nightmares about waking up and then finding no one is there many times, and it scares the shit out of me, when I watched Lucas's life fall out of him, I knew I was bound to be alone, but then Sandi and Will came, and Justin. they all saved me in a way not many people realize is even possible, they helped me, a lot.

yes ever since me and Justin broke up, I've had my break downs. I've cut more than just that one time, there are some fading scars on my stomach still. I figured that if i cut my wrist it would show, and I would be a hypocrite to tell my fans not to do it if they saw me do it. it's been a while since I did it now though.

"Lucas, baby, what's wrong?" I ask as I enter the room with the crying toddler in. his face filled with tears, and small sobs leaving his mouth. they both have a big children beds now, because they are growing up, but I hate it, they are still my babies.

"Ariel" he almost screams in anger, making me flinch a second before sitting down on the rocking chair next to his bed.

"yeah?" I ask carefully.

"Ariel not there, Ariel-" he stops himself. "Ariel dead?" he asks in Norwegian, he probably forgot the English word. they know both English and Norwegian, and they've both understood that Nana, Christian and any other person doesn't under stand Norwegian, so every time they throw a fit, it's always in Norwegian.

"no" I answer, picking him up and placing him in my lap. "she's not okay, but not dead" I say, and it makes him whimper.

"but Ariel is not in her bedroom?" he asks confused.

"no, she's at the hospital, where we were earlier today" I say and he nods understandingly. "thay are making sure she's okay there, and of course Uncle fredo" I say kissing Lucas's head. "go back to sleep and we'll visit them tomorrow" I say putting him back into the bed. 

"mommy sing?" he asks tiredly, already almost falling asleep. I nod and start singing the lullaby i always do.

Sleep my little baby-oh

Sleep until you waken

When you wake you'll see the world

If I'm not mistaken...

Kiss a lover

Dance a measure,

Find your name

And buried treasure...

Face your life

Its pain,

Its pleasure,

Leave no path untaken

I sing softly, the lullaby my mom used to sing to us, even though it was English and we never understood it until we were older I still loved it. Lucas is fast asleep in his bed now. His chest slowly rising and falling, a comforting image for me.

I sit in his bedroom for maybe half an hour, just watching my baby sleeping. my eyes slowly falling, but I try my best to fight against the sleep, but it's overpowering me, and I fall asleep in the rocking chair.

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