I lost, but i fought 2 || J.B

Chapter 15

The date actually went really well. he's sweet, flirty and awkward. He want's to make sure everything is perfect and he's shy, which makes him super cute. He's British, and oh so hot. he sends me a good morning text every morning, even though there is a four hour time different between Canada and England. he's great, but he's not Justin.

And there I go again, I always compare him to Justin. Justin does that, Harry doesn't. Justin has that, Harry doesn't. there is always something. I can find all these great qualities in Harry, but he's not Justin. There was something about Justin, something more, something better. The sparks, they are still not here, even though we've been dating for a week, and I've seen him twice this week. There is no butterflies, or aliens as I called them, in my stomach, there is no excitement running through my body when I know I'm going to see him, or if he texts me. I know that we should just break up, but it feels so good that when ever I'm in an Interview they don't ask about the baby father, they ask about Harry, and I can answer those questions, easily.

I heard that Justin was arrested, for DUI, driving under the influence. It broke my heart, I actually broke down crying. Knowing that i'm a big reason for his... eh, misbehaviour(?) is really heartbreaking and he's been mingling with many of the wrong people, and honestly he should be allowed to hang out with whoever he wants, but they have bad influence on him.

Fredo is out with the kids today, they went to the park I think. I'm sad that I can't do these things with my kids, I can't take them to the park, or to get ice cream I can't do anything without getting mobbed by fans or paps and I don't want my kids to have that kind of life.

I'm sitting outside my house, by the pool. over thinking, that's a thing I'm very good at, over thinking. always questioning the relationship me and Harry has, always thinking over the mistakes I made, I got a new tattoo, it's a treble clef, a white ink treble clef. it's on my wrist, just over the fading scars I made in one of those mistakes. people questioned it, why? they asked. i lied of course, my whole life is a lie. I told them it was because I like music so it seemed appropriate. I added a little giggle to make it believable.

in reality, it's because it has a lot of memories behind it. Andrea told me i had to stop wearing that hideous necklace of mine. the treble clef one of course. And since I have to do as Andrea tells me, I had to, but as I took it off i realized that it had too many memories inside it, so I needed a reminder hence the tattoo.

my brother gave me that necklace, he was the one who told me to start with music for real, making me go learn all the different instruments, he's the reason for my talent. Justin re-gave it to me, and he made me believe I could do it, he made me strong.

there are things I can't do with my kids because I'm a celebrity, but there is also things i can't do with my kids because they don't have a father. there is things I can't teach them because I'm not capable, and when I'm not capable they should have a father, a daddy. I can never teach them to swim, as you might remember I'm not a very good swimmer. I'll sink, I don't want my kids to sink, not like me. I want so much for them, and there is so much I can't give them. I have a big pool in my backyard that I can't even swim in, my kids can't swim in it, no one can, because I never have people over. it's a waste of space and a constant reminder that I can't give them what I want.

the house is almost as it used to be, just some more photos are hung up on the wall. there are photos of me during the pregnancy, me and the kids right after they were born, me and the kids as they got older, me with the family, the beadles and some photos of me when I was a kid with my old family, old family, I feel so cruel saying that, but I have a new one now, I have to accept that. There is one big photo dominating almost a whole wall. it's me and Justin, he's laying on the ground and I'm sitting on his stomach, our hands are intertwined, both of us looking at each other, love written all over our faces. If you didn't know him at that time and only know how he looks like now you wouldn't even recognize him. My children are super fans of him, but they can't recognize him. Now he's filled with tattoos, his hair in a beautiful quiff and he's gotten more muscles. He's still hot, but different hot.

My phone rings, making me drag my eyes from the photo, it's an unknown number calling.

"Hello, this is Hannah Marie Steele" i say into the phone.

"This is St. Judes Hospital, some of your loved ones has been in an accident" a woman answers. accident? I think she kept talking, but all I could hear was beeping, my mind went blank or it's to full for me to even register what is going through it. Accident, my loved ones has been in an accident, who? how? why? "Ma'm!" Her loud voice, snaps me back to reality.

"who?" I ask my voice barley a whisper.

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