[COMPLETED] soft boy//phan (1)

One

dan

walking into my school and listening to the 1975, i kept a straight face, staring through my brown eyes. my eyes didn't mean anything to me, if I was able to live without eyes i would, but then i wouldn't be able to see my paintings. i could see through both of my eyes, but only one of them was available since the other was covered by my hair. all I ever did was brush my hair, i didn't bother pinning it back or tucking it behind my ear. i just left it where it fell.

almost tripping over my pastel pink converse, i speed walked my way faster to math class. people thought it was weird since i didn't wear 'boy' clothes and that i would wear 'girl' clothes instead. clothes shouldn't be separated into 'boys' and 'girls', my opinion, girls can wear 'boy' clothes and boys can wear 'girl' clothes. but whatever people wanted to think. i never really thought anything of it though, so it didn't bother me. today i felt like a flower so i wore my pink converse along with a purple shirt that met my arms at mid arm and a white skirt that was held up by light blue suspenders. i thought I looked pretty.

as i sat at my usual seat in the back, i pulled out my mini blue drawing book. this book was possibly my most prized possession since no one has ever seen what i drew and they'd be horrified if they did. i didn't draw anything sexual or inappropriate, just some things contained blood, but i always thought it was creative. otherwise, everything of mine was 'normal'. everyone slowly started piling inside the classroom and taking their seats, keeping their talk to themselves.

as i lowered a pencil on the paper and started to draw a line, i heard someone talking that caught my attention. "did anyone see dan howell lately?"

my heart started pitter pattering fast. no one ever talked about me before, no one even acknowledged my existence before, so why would they now. it was obviously about something bad, because no one noticed anything i ever did good. i decided to listen in on the conversation, but still act like I'm drawing at the same time.

"did you see how he was dressed lately?", "i know looks super gay." - "do you think he's trans?" - "i don't know, maybe."

i didn't mind what they were saying, instead i just tried to hide under my hair. i wasn't embarrassed, i never have been. i don't show many emotions, especially love. i think of my mum as my mum, i don't try to think of my dad since he found out about the way i was dressed. he says it was wrong. me and mum couldn't stand it so we kicked him out. life's been rough for her since, she's been abusing alcohol too much lately. to the point where i  had to take care of her. but then the bell rang and the grumpy teacher walked inside.

"shut your traps and start the lesson. turn your textbooks to page 278 and complete the papers." he said and handed out pages of paper. this teacher reminded me of professor snape from harry potter, with his attitude and his rudeness. he was too old to even be walking anymore, you would have thought he should've been retired a long time ago. he paused and stared at me for a second before having a disgusted look on his face and walking into the person behind me.

i tried to hide under my hair again, spinning it around my finger as i started reading about math gibberish, writing down things that needed to be completed. sneakily i moved away the textbook and papers, making it look like I was still doing my work, and tracing my hand back to the drawing paper. slowly and carefully i stared drawing a shiba inu covered in a purple flower crown. my colored pencils were in my small black bag that I brought all my drawing things in.

i carefully and quietly reached down to grab it from the bag, since the teacher was watching us all intently, making sure we were all working. my hands were shaking and fumbling so i dropped the half opened small bag of colored pencils. with a loud bang they spilled out and onto the floor. i'm surprised that none of them rolled farther than my reach because I dropped to the floor and started frantically picking them up.

"howell!" i heard the teacher bark and the students that were laughing suddenly stopped and pretended to be working again, but they were still just watching the scene. "what are you trying to do instead of working?!" he bared louder.

"i'm sorry sir, i.. didn't mean for these to spill. I was looking for a... pencil." i lied. he looked down at my desk and grabbed the pencil that was sat on my drawing.

"then what's this doing here?" he asked. i was caught. after i grabbed the rest of my things off the ground and placed them on my lap, i sat back in my chair.

"and stop with this getup that you're dressed in, you look ridiculous." he snapped and dropped my pencil on my desk. after he said that the whole entire class howled with laughter. i didn't care, it was an appearance, i didn't think anything more of it than just clothes to hide what was underneath them.  the class was silenced when he dropped a dictionary on his desk and yelled. soon enough, the class was over and we had to leave.

-

making it safely to my art class, i sat in the back again and mrs jackson walked over and smiled at me, "so what are you gonna draw today, dan?" she asked and sat her chin on her hand as she looked at me. she was the only teacher who wasn't mean to me and she actually liked me, not in a romantic way. i've never liked anyone before so i wouldn't know.

"well i have to finish this shiba inu that i drew." i said and pulled out my drawing and showed it to her. this is the only drawing i've shown her, no one has ever seen anything otherwise. not even my family, i like keeping things to myself.

"that's good, dan. keep it up." she said and smiled at me before she got up to greet the rest of the class. i was lonely after that, no one to talk to and left with my mind, and being alone with my mind was not a good thing sometimes. sometimes i would think of good things, like drawing and food, but then my mind would cause me to have an existential crisis. my mind was horrible at times. a boy with black hair and blue eyes sat next to me with his friend with brown hair and black eyes behind him. i think his name was phil lester but i wasn't totally sure.

he stared me down without an expression on his face before chuckling and turning around to whisper something to his friend. i tried to listen but he was too quiet so i just had to sit and watch as his friend laughed and pointed at me. i was still emotionless and yet feeling something deep in my stomach. i ignored it as mrs jackson assigned a free drawing day assignment which made me happy. i pulled out my colored pencils without any hesitation and started coloring in the shiba inus fur.

i heard someone snicker over my shoulder which made me turn around and look at them. "what are you drawing, girly?" the one with brown hair asked.

i shoved my drawing down under my arm so he couldn't see it, "nothing that's important to you." i snapped with no emotion.

he growled and slapped me across the face. honest, that hurt like a bitch. i lifted my hand to my face, trying to make it feel better. i felt something tingling my eyes but I blinked them away. i can't feel emotion.

(Hello, it's the author. I just want to say this book was made months and months ago and the beginnings kinda shit. I promise you though it gets way better when you keep on reading. Lowercase also intended so sorry if you see a few uppercase, just comment about it and I'll fix it because I've decided to have this fanfiction lowercase. Also, the first few chapters won't make any sense whatsoever so just bare with me through this, I promise it will get better and you'll understand it more.)