[COMPLETED] soft boy//phan (1)

Twenty-Five

dan

i declined both of phil's and chris' offers to walk me home, all i did was tell them that i wanted to be by myself and that i would text them when i made it home safely. but i lied, just to get time to myself.  it was weird because one moment phil was hating me and wanting to probably throw me off a bridge and hopefully watch me die, and now he wants to be my friend. i knew this was all just an act.

i didn't want to end up trusting him, i knew all of his friends, besides carson and tanner, were amazing people and i wanted to commit to a friendship with all of them. but phil leads a weird feeling inside my stomach and heart and i can't place it completely.

i walked up to my front steps and opened the door quietly since i didn't want to have my mom know i even left the house.

"daniel james howell!" she screamed from the kitchen and i instantly knew i was in deep trouble. it was late at night, almost two in the morning, so why did i even think i was gonna get away with sneaking out for so long?

instead of walking upstairs and acting like she got it wrong and she just thought it was her mind and me getting into my bed and pretending i was sleeping, i went into the kitchen, not even close to prepared for what was going to happen. she was leaned against the island counter with a fancy glass of red wine in her hand, glaring at me as i entered.

i smiled at her like maybe she could forget everything and just let me get away with it just this once.

"what the hell do you think you're doing? did you really think you sneaking out would work on me?!"

"yes.."

she got this glare in her eyes that would most likely make me regret saying the thing that i was thinking in my head.

"who even made you do this anyways? you would never scare me so much, daniel. why start now?" she put down her glass and walked up to me, looking into my eyes and trying to read my emotions. i really hated when she called me daniel.

"just some friends i met today at school." i didn't want to tell her they're names.

"well you can't hang out with them anymore. i'm sorry daniel, it's for your own good. i don't want my son hanging out with people that are going to make him into a bad person." she said and turned away from me to return to her glass and taking a large sip of it.

i clenched my fists at my sides, "you can't choose who i can and can't hang out with." i fought back.

"watch me, daniel howell! now go to your room you're grounded!" she said, her voice being raised and she pointed to my room upstairs with her free hand. i rolled my eyes, deciding to just give up and walk upstairs, slamming my door shut behind me and i flopped down on my bed.

i hated being alone, it gave me time to think about life and usually it would go well until one small thing just took over my brain and made me think things that i couldn't even handle and kept me on the brink of life.

i wanted someone to love me, as selfish as it sounded, i wanted someone to be there. to reassure me and to make me smile when i'm just feeling like i'm about to die and give up. or for someone to smile at me and tell me 'it's all going to be okay when you wake up'. or run their hands through my hair like my mum used to help me go to bed when i couldn't sleep.

i looked outside the window, it was nighttime. a time when everyone in my neighborhood was sleeping soundly and without a care about all the chaos that's happening outside of their home. i looked down at my bed again, seeing the plain grey and black checkered bedsheets. i shifted my heavy eyes to look at my hands, they were pale and red spotted and i laid down, still staring at them.

i buried my face into my pillow, trying and failing to empty the thoughts from my mind. it all wasn't fair, out of all the people that had to be miserable it had to be me. god why am i such a selfish fuck. everything started feeling blurry and i pushed my face further down into the pillow, now closing all the ways i had to breathe.

this was it, these were my final moments as a human being and my final moments with a soul. this wasn't exactly the way an eleven year old me would've wanted to go. eleven year old dan wanted to go from old age, like normal people do.

then there was a knock on my door.

i sat up, gasping for air and everything blurry causing me to fall of my bed and onto my back. the door opened and a figure rushed over to me, saying my name and having me sit up slowly. my mind somewhat settled and i almost lost my breath again.

it was phil.