FIRE (Frerard)

Paralysis

I haven't slept.

If I weren't alive, I would think I haven't breathed either.

Maybe I'm not alive.

Maybe this bathroom is hell.

I don't think I'm that lucky though.

Light is coming in through the window above me. It's highlighting the door.

I hear footsteps lead up to the bathroom.

The door creeks open and Mikey comes in. His hair is messy but he has black skinny jeans and a tight pink shirt on. There are several black cats jumping across his shirt. I got him that shirt for his 16th birthday as a gag gift. I guess he likes it.

He shuts the door behind him and comes to my body slopped on the floor.

He kneels down and I can see him inspecting my face. He looks so guilty.

"Come on Gee, we have to go to school." He says softly, he puts his hand on my leg. He is trying to comfort me.

I can't be comforted. 

I can't speak. There's no heat. But there doesn't need to be. I can't talk. I can barely look at him. Not because he told me what I did... what I have. But because I can't look at him without being reminded of that day. And that I'm the one that caused it.

I can see tears form in his eyes.

"You need to get up." He is choking on his words.

"Please Gee, I need you." Tears are starting to run down his face.

No.

Please don't cry.

Don't do that to me.

I don't want to get up.

I don't exactly want to do anything.

I don't want to be anything.

But I don't want to see Mikey cry.

And his happiness is important to me.

So I'll get up.

But only for him.

I stand up and I hear Mikey gasp. Is he really that surprised I moved?  I turn back and see exactly what he gasped at.

What the hell did I do?

Mikey stands up and walks back running into me. He stops right in front of me and we both look at the wall that I was leaning against for two hours.

It's burnt. In the shape of my back and head. I don't remember feeling hot.

It's black.

How did I do this?

While I stare at the wall, Mikey comes behind me and checks the back of my shirt.

"It's fine. There's nothing." He says, completely surprised. 

How?

How do I explain this to mom? How do I explain this to anyone?

"Go get dressed Gee, I'll make breakfast." Mikey orders me. I do what he says. I go to my room and take off all my clothes. I slip on my black skinny jeans, a different pair that aren't soaked. I go through my closet and pick the first sweatshirt I see. I throw it on and tie on my biker boots. I grab my bag, Frank's bag, and his shoes.

I walk out to the kitchen.

Woah.

The stove is black and it looks like it exploded.

I see Mikey who has a bowl of cereal in his hand. Another one on the counter for me.

"Did... did I do this?" I stand right outside the white washed kitchen and bring my eyes to Mikey. He opens his mouth and seems to have forgotten how to breathe.

"Oh, um, shit. Don't worry about it. Just eat." He points his index finger to the bowl of cereal.

"I'm not hungry." I say. I really can't eat. I'm too disgusted in myself to even look at food. It's not because I think I'm fat, it's because I don't know how to be a person anymore. I don't even feel like one.

Mikey gives me that look. The one that makes me want to give him a million hugs. But I'm scared I'll hurt him. I'm scared to even touch him.

He puts his cereal down and comes towards me. He looks me up and down and he knows instantly it's over for me. He knows I've quit. He knows I've broken my promise.

But instead of arguing with me about it, he just puts his right hand on my shoulder and leads me out the door.

I walk into the early morning air and see my van in the driveway. It's a dark day. The clouds are grey and it looks like it will storm.

I hear Mikey close the front door and a jingle of keys.

He walks in front of me, holding them out.

Shit.

I need to drive.

Mikey has always been too scared to drive the van. So I must.

I grab the keys in front of me and unlock the door. Open the door and throw me and Frank's stuff in the back.

I put the keys in the ignition and the car turns on. Mikey climbs in.

"Put your seatbelt on." Mikey demands kindly.

I can barely move.

I'm having moments where I'm reminded of what I've done.

I see a face being scorched in front of me.

I hear screams.

And in those moments I'm paralyzed.

He leans over to me and puts my seatbelt on for me. His hair smells like coconuts. How nice.

Mikey puts on his seatbelt.

The sound of the belt clicking snaps me out of my moment and the faces fade away. The voices get softer. They don't disappear. They are just in the back of my mind. Waiting to strike again. I would say that I don't deserve this torture. But I do. And I always will.

I turn on Nirvana. Louder than usual. I see Mikey flintch from the loud music in the corner of my eye.

I drive us to school and park in the same place I did yesterday. I look in the mirror hanging down from the blinder in my car, I look like hell.

My hair is messy and my eyes are puffy. I have dark circles surrounding them. My skin is pale, more so than usual.

I look like I have some terrible illness.

One that is sucking the life out of me.

I put up the mirror amd turn off the car. I fall back on my chair. Looking at the tall brick building.

But then again...

I guess I do.