Maisie's Diary

ONE.

26.04.17

00:37

With these sort of things you have to 'introduce yourself,' it's pretty fucking stupid if you ask me, it's my diary I don't need to say "Hi, my name is Maisie and I am going to tell you about my day, blah, blah, blah. *insert some mushy fake-deep quote about life*" Oh, for god's sake I have just gone and done it. Well, at least I didn't put some fake-deep quote in there to make myself sound more intellectual than I am, which really instead of making you look smart makes you look a pretentious asshole.

This isn't going to be one of those, my day went like this, this person did this and I did this.

No.

All this simply serves as an outlet for my "feelings." *cringe* I bloody hate that word, but this is what this space is, a place for me to release those pesky things. See, I am not very good at being truthfully honest about my feelings with others, mostly out of the fact I don't want to be that emotionally vulnerable in front of anyone, to give them that power over me. Nope. I am happy to be there and be that person for someone else, judgment free. But, being the person who tells all to anyone, whether it be a relative, a best friend or a lover, it is not something I am comfortable with. Yet, we all need an outlet for our emotions, for some people that may be another human being, for me it is this diary.

27.04.17

19:31

Do you ever get that feeling of overpowering fear? The suddenness of it all, hitting you like a ton of bricks. The scariest part is that the instant reaction normally would be the floodgates. But, instead, you find yourself staring blankly at a wall, unable to process the multitude of thoughts racing around in your head. That's what hit me the moment I left the shower and frankly, I could not cope with it.

I put myself in the company of what I now call some of closest friends and we had a laugh and joke. But, really I was scared silent and that was because it reminded me of time and a place that I never want to have to revisit again. The possibility of that happening again scares me even more than the initial fear. I have never been really good about talking about my "feelings and thoughts" in a serious way, to the extent that my childhood best friends have never seen me fully emotionally exposed, even when I was at my lowest point.The year my life turned upside down. The year I lost myself.Even now I still cannot really explain how it felt.

2014. The year my life turned upside down. The year I lost myself.

Even now I still cannot really explain how it felt. To cut a long story short, physical illness struck and it led to a darkening of my mind, which lasted a painfully long ten months of which I spent almost every night crying myself to sleep. The physical pain didn't bother me the most, it was the emotional pain. That year I lost myself, closing myself off from my closest friends. It was like all the colour and energy was drained from my mind, body, and soul. Soon I began to feel permanently numb.

I say there was no one to share how I was feeling with, but I know if I wanted to I could talk to my best friends. But, that's the issue, I couldn't even if I wanted to. I mean how could I talk to about it to my best friends. A strange sentence, you would think the ones you call your best friends are the ones you can tell everything and anything to. But, I could never really feel comfortable doing that. This was not because I didn't trust them or felt like I couldn't tell them. It was because I was the one that they go to when they are stressed, I was or am "the chill one", the one who doesn't stress, the calm and collected one. The one who listens to everyone else's stresses, worries, and dilemmas offering advice, perspective and comfort.

And that's my problem now.

I can't seem to express exactly how I am feeling and truly, I don't think I ever will. This, right now, is the closest I think that I will get to any form of expression. All I know is that it feels scarily similar to the hollowness I felt three years ago and I don't want to go back there because that person wasn't even, well, really a person. Even as I type this now, I don't really feel anything, which scares me, bringing on a bout of the shakes. I did have a bit of cry whilst on my walk, but even then the tears were not accompanied with any real feeling, just emptiness. Even as the sun came out for a brief second, something that would normally make me instantly smile, gained no reaction.

I just began to feel lost again and this time I have no real indication of how long it will last, at least previously it went when I had got physically better. But, right now there is no illness, there is no reason for these feelings or lack of feeling to exist right now and that's why it is scary. And I wouldn't even guess it and neither will anyone else because like my hands right now, one is warm and the other is cold. The warm hand is the part of me that everyone sees, the happy girl, the one who is always collected and ready to listen and assist, the one who never really feels any negative emotions. On the other hand - literally - is cold, lack of any real feeling, the one that doesn't know why the emotionlessness is occurring, the one that no one else sees.

Note

First insight into the mind of Maisie Samson, it's a bit of an intense one and was pretty intense to write as well. I find that a song that fits well with this piece is Goner by Twenty One Pilots, not just lyrically, but the desperation in Tyler's voice within the very last verse. So, I would say give it a listen if you haven't already heard it and even if you have, go listen to it again. You won't regret it.

Saff.