Maisie's Diary

FOURTEEN.

19.08.17

14:43

What should have been the first entry made no sense because it came from a very sleep deprived Maisie at 7AM and I could not even comprehend my own writing, so what come's now is a vague remembering of what should have been the first of fourteen. All I have is the word "stubborn." Which I am not at all, it's kind of bad to be honest because what it means is I am very easily convinced. I mean you could get me to do almost anything pretty quickly, almost. I still have boundaries, although after a couple of drinks these boundaries soon fall.

21.08.17

12:36

Today is not a good day. I just feel like complete shit, the truth is I have been feeling like this for a while, but I've been pushing it away. It comes in bouts and then I push it aside and return to my normal, happy self. Waking up today, I just felt like not waking up anymore. I just want to curl up in a corner and hide away from the world forever. Even music which would normally soothe me in a situation like this is not working, it is just driving me insane. I'm exhausted. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to hide away from the world. I'm tired. I'm tired of existing.

12:49

I don't cry. Anyone who knows me well enough knows I don't cry, I just don't. But, today walking around my house, I don't know what the hell came over me, it happened. I just couldn't control it anymore, the tears wouldn't stop. And I don't know why, and that begins to frustrate me and the more frustrated I get, the more stressed I get and the more stressed I get, the more I cry. It's fucking vicious cycle.

I try to think of possible causes because if I somehow think logically about it, I can then begin to make sense of it and calm myself down. But, I am at a loss here, I have no explanation. I think to myself, I have a good home, a loving family, and amazing friends. I have no reason to be feeling like this, I shouldn't feel like this, it's selfish, people have it a lot worse.

Sometimes I think this is partially fuelled by the pressure of being "the happy one." I have accepted that I am the "therapy friend," and I don't mind. I am honoured that my friends feel comfortable enough to confide in me, it's the highest praise I could ever receive and at the end of the day that's what I am here for. But, my ability to empathise can be physically as well as emotionally draining, which causes me to withdraw at times to self-heal in a way. I tend not to let it show because if I, the happy/chill one, is not happy anymore then what does that show to everyone else. I just would not and do not want to put my pain on others, especially when I have seen and felt the pain they have.

I just need a break, a break from feeling. Like the first time it happened last year and a close second time this year, I am afraid. I am afraid I'll lose myself to my mind, again.

13:13

I hate being soft. I fucking hate it. I don't want it, take it away for god's sake. I feel like, I just don't want to feel. I just want the crying to stop. Even now it is happening and I don't know why. I'm just stuck with a permanent lump in my throat, the couple of tears, sniffy nose, exasperated breaths and fear, the crippling fear.

At this point, I would rather be a cold hearted bitch. No feelings, no fucks to give because I give way too many and my mind and heart can't take it anymore. I just can't take it anymore.

13:35

"she's a painter creating masterpieces through the plastered smiles,

she's an actress masking her sadness through the guise of others." - she makes a fool of out of all of us.