Maisie's Diary

TWO.

28.04.17

00:13

Even sat together with some of my good friends, the normal vibe wasn't there. I wasn't really there. At least, not in the way I normally would be and it frightens me a little. It's the feeling of just being sat there, spaced out, miles away. It's not even like there was the excuse of things running around in my mind. I just found myself staring blankly at the wall again, and then that's when I knew I needed to remove myself from the situation because then questions would be asked, questions I don't quite know the answer to myself. Truthfully, the writing helps I guess because it's easier to write down feelings, rather than vocally expressing them. It is less exposing. However, you would think once it's written on a page that it's done, the feeling of emptiness leaves, but in reality, it still remains as hollow as it was when the first word hits the page.

29.04.17

23:09

Feelings.

A funny thing they are, aren't they? You can go from reaching a point of pure, euphoric bliss to wanting to bury yourself beneath it all, from being head over heels in love to having a heart of ice, from feeling like you can take on the world and anything to feeling complete and utter fear take over your body causing it to shut down. I think that is one thing that scares me the most about being able to feel. The sudden change of emotions that leads to a complete personality change. You would think that such drastic change in emotion would build with time, especially considering the dramatic change of person you end up with. In reality, that is not always the case, you go on as you do in your day-to-day life living as the carefree, happy-go-lucky individual, until it hits.

And when it hits, it hits hard and fast.

It's that moment where you stand both hands on either side of the bathroom sink staring down at the plughole, slowly bringing your head up to face the mirror confronting you with the reflection of the person who you no longer recognise as the carefree, happy-go-lucky girl you once were. As the realisation starts to sink in, your head drops as your grip around the sink tightens, your body rocking back and forth. In the final seconds of that moment, your head jerks back up to face the glass, as you fight back the tears because somewhere still, you are that happy-go-lucky girl. Somewhere somehow, she became overwhelmed finding herself lost in the vastness of the world.

That's not even the most frightening aspect of it all.

It is the uncertainty of her return.

Will she be the same carefree, happy-go-lucky girl?

Or will she be lost to the world forever?

Note

Like the previous post, a song that I feel accompanies these pieces is (Un)Lost by The Maine, for the pieces the lyrics "I'm not looking to be found, just want to feel unlost."

Saff.