Maisie's Diary

TWELVE.

07.08.17

23:51

"Let me be your comfort, your warm embrace. Let me into your beautiful mind, let me take away your pain. Don't be afraid to let go, I know it's scary to show your vulnerable side to someone else, believe me I know. But know this, even if you can't speak of it allow me to be your distraction. Your feelings are not a burden, your sadness is not a burden. All I care for is your happiness, so let me help you reach that." - what you need to hear.

00:21

HUMANS. 

We're a lot stronger than we think. We go through a lot of shit on the daily, some caused by other people, but mostly because of ourselves. Our minds. Music inspires me, so here's a lyric for you "the brain is a funny place," It can be a true wonder of the world with its beautiful imagination. But, it can also be the creator of unimaginable pain. A lot of it is self-inflicted. We overthink. We doubt ourselves. We are our own worse critics, picking ourselves apart to the point we don't know who we are anymore and it is us, the individual that does it to ourselves. We tell our friends, our families, our loved ones not to worry about these things that plague our minds, yet we never take any of this advice for ourselves. 

We all have our own demons to wrestle with, some people cope better and others don't at all. But, we all have them, even the strongest of us all are vulnerable to the devil that is the mind. Perhaps, the strongest are the most vulnerable and they are the ones that need the help the most because the strongest are often the quietest in their suffering.

09.08.17

13:04

When your eyes meet mine, you make me nervous, you make me shy, shyer than I've been before and I don't know if I like this change. At first, you made me nervous and soon I became as comfortable with you as I am with my best friend. but, now you make me nervous again and that scares me because why am I nervous? The answer I know, but don't want to admit, not because it isn't true because what if it's not the same to you.

11.08.17

23:21

I hate being so fucking insecure. I know a while back I wrote that I don't care what people think of me, that I don't let things get to me liked they used to, that I've learnt to let go. Well, I hate to break it to you but I'm full of shit and boy, was I fucking wrong. And don't look to me to advise you on this because I am at a loss myself. I wish I had the confidence I'm told I give off. But, truly it's all a facade.

No matter what improvements I thought I had made, I'm still the same insecure, shy fuck that I've always been. All I have done is got better at hiding it, better at pushing it away and now it has reached a boiling point and risen to the surface of my mind. And I know I shouldn't feel like this, I know it's not healthy to keep it in for so long. I know that I have a decent level of smarts, I know I have a somewhat likeable personality and I know I am not the most awful looking human. But, that doesn't stop my mind from perpetuating my insecurities and blasting them out of a loudspeaker in my mind.

I know I will get over this, or just hide it better. It's just that tonight has been a bad night and I just need to get it all out or I will drive myself insane.

Thank god, for this damned diary.

Note

I know this is super late and shorter than normal, but I have been all over the place with starting back at work and being pretty much sleep deprived all the time. But, here's all I have for now and I shall keep on working towards more content and hopefully have something for saturday. 

Saff xx