Maisie's Diary

SEVENTEEN.

01.09.17

23:20

"you planted a seed in my heart, 

  you buried it with your words.

  i watered it with my tears,

  and it bloomed with time." - spring fling.

02.08.17

14:24

"why can't you see the way i feel?

  why so damn oblivious?

  why can't i be honest about the way i feel?

  why so damn scared?" - hesitant frustrations.

14:34

"every time you pull me in closer,

 i push away.

 every time i try to pull back,

 it's too late." - self-sabotage.

05.09.17

06:52

Aye, it's Maisie here again and yes I am aware of the time, but I can't shut off my mind it is not as simple as a switch. You could say I have had this on my mind for a while now, at first I wasn't completely sure and I did not want to make a complete fool of myself. But knowing me, I still will end up doing so. 

Here's what I am going to call, my open letter. 

A way to reveal yourself, without revealing yourself.

"I think we have grasped that I am not very good at articulating my words out loud, I like to think it is due to my brain thinking faster than my mouth, which I read somewhere makes you more intelligent (which I am not). Truth is it has never been a strong point of mine, usually because with things like this I tend to get quite -very- shy and nervous about. I like to attribute it to my introverted nature, but I guess it is because I am afraid/nervous about your reaction, your response or me completely misjudging the situation. And yes this looks like it has no direction and I am probably rambling to avoid saying what I want, well need to say. 

which is...

I think I like you. Well no, I know I do and it's not just the I like you my friend/best friend kind of thing. It's a little more than that. I guess you could say like the 'young people' (which I supposedly am but do not feel like and I am digressing) that I've "caught feelings." Trust me, that was just as cringey for me to write, as it is for you to read.

Yes, I have ~feelings~ (as you can tell the word makes me feel all weird, hence the strange squiggly things) for you because you make me smile, you make me laugh not just with jokes and pictures, you make me laugh at myself. It's the small things you do that, well make me think damn I like you, damn you. 

There's probably a hell of a lot more to say, but my brain is a bit of a mess right now getting all of this out and I can't quite find the right words because I have finally managed to have the balls to say this. And now this the part where you respond and I find out I have completely misjudged/misinterpreted everything and now I look like a right muppet. But, eh I have gone and done it now. I am now a muppet who's finally revealed her feelings." - open letter.

16:46

Well, that was a bit melty, wasn't it? But, that's just a part of me, the soppy side, it's made a lot of appearances lately, in my writing anyway. But, expressing it aloud is not exactly my specialty. This is the one area you could say I have zero confidence in. (Following on from the above) I mean telling someone you like them is not something that this Maisie does regularly because she likes to think she's all tough and edgy and doesn't need to be, doesn't need to let anyone see her soft. But, really from the writings, she's the softest, soppiest human ever. I guess this letter will remain hidden from its true recipient unless they somehow manage to get their hands on this old book. Nevertheless, you can have it, you can have the ramblings of my messy heart.

16:52

"why me?

 but, especially,

 why you?" - stuck.

16:54

"coffee shop exchanges,

 museum adventures.

 seaside dreaming,

 sunrise awakenings." - bliss.

18:52

'wait for the right time,

 the perfect moment.'

but, is there a right time? when is the right time?

the longer i wait, the more i hesitate

i feel that i might miss that moment

and what can i do when it is gone?

what if i have left it too late?

what if i have got it completely wrong?

what if i ruin it?

what if?

'keep saying that and you'll never know.' - do i wanna know?

05.09.17 (PART TWO.)

19:00

I ran out of pages in my, I guess you can now call it, old journal. So, here I am taking fresh ink to fresh pages.

"why not start completely a new?"

Well, this year is not over yet so neither is this story. One thing I can say is that it feels bloody strange writing in here. It feels like a fresh start, a new Maisie. But, enough of the 'new year new me' bullshit because I'll still be writing the same soppy shit. But, it does feel strange and unfamiliar taking a pen to these pages. There was something comforting about the feeling of the pen against the old pages. 

It is bittersweet.

Note

Bleh, this is very soppy, but the ending i find is perfect. The end is only just the beginning kind of vibe. The song to go with this chap is Do I Wanna Know? by Arctic Monkeys, I feel it goes the with the vibe of the main part of this chappy.

Enjoy and see you in a week.

Saff xx