Maisie's Diary

SIX.

20.06.17

01:57

Well, a major truth bomb has been dropped. 

I don't really know how to put it down without it sounding as painful as it was to hear. All I can really say is that it reminded me of a song, which summed up the situation. 

It's one of those things I should have seen coming as the figure I am in her life, but I didn't and that's because I wasn't present. I know to a degree it is not my fault, I have always made clear I am there for her to listen and offer advice judgement free because I am no perfect person and have done my fair share of morally questionable things. But, it was hearing that every time I called was the only time she expressed any emotion, it well and truly broke my heart.

It just makes me think, I could have done so much more. I could have come home more often. I could have called more. I could have just been there more. 

The one thing that gets me is that I didn't see it happening, and that's because I wasn't there. Even when I was there for the holidays, I would be working and then when I was home it seemed normal, there was no indication of what was actually going on inside her head. I feel like failed as in my role. 

The thing is she is unaware that  I know about all of this and I don't know how to act when I see her. I will obviously act how I normally would, suggesting we hang out and be my normal, cheery self. But, it's difficult because I tend to be a half-open book. 

What I mean by this is that my emotions are very clear, I am a very much heart on my sleeve kind of person. Many a person knows that, as I have when I am pissed off you will know by my ignoring of the individual because I hate confrontation and need cool down time. If I am happy you'll see it in smiles and laughs. If I am upset, you'll see in the way I withdraw myself, in the quiet. That's the open part. The half-open part is that I will never tell you why, as I have expressed numerous times talking to people face to face about my 'emotional issues' is not easy because of the vulnerability aspect. 

Maybe that's how she felt, I'll never know until she says. 

14:14

"she looks at herself in the mirror, 

unable to see the beauty reflected.

not just in her appearance,

but, in her heart.

a heart as pure as a newborn child,

a soul as bright as a lone star on a cold night.

all of this hidden among a fake smile,

and a broken mind."

- why can't you see the beauty in you?

Note

A short one I know, but I haven't  had much time to write this piece as I am off visiting friends the next couple of days, but the next one will definitely be longer and is taking a different turn in terms of writing style.

Comment and Vote lads, let me know what you think!

Saff x