One Last Time

10

My eyes shot open and I start breathing rapidly. I sit up and there's some mask on me I take it off immediately and look around and it seems I'm in an ambulance, "Hey! Hey! Calm down! Calm down!" I look to my right and there's some guy probably from the paramedics here to assist me. "Take slow deep breaths." His palm is facing at me, signaling, to stop freaking out. I start taking deep breaths and I feel my body get relieved.

"W-where's Justin?" I continue to take breaths or I'll get jumpy again.

"He's in a separate ambulance from us, he's being escorted to the hospital, you'll be accompanying him as well."

"Is he okay?" I ask

"He's in a pretty serious condition but it's not that bad. He'll be able to recover." He nods his head. "Do you feel fine? Any feeling of being light headed or passing out again? Need water?"

"I'm fine but I'm just nervous. Um- can I have some water?" I wanted to tear up because I can't believe that I hurted someone. He hands me a water bottle and I take slow drinks from it. A few minutes pass and the doors open. The people lead me inside the hospital and we travel to the Emergency Room and they lead me to a chair "Where's Justin?" I ask

"He's in one of the rooms. They'll call you up later on." I nod and the two men leave. I look around and there's several others waiting too, they're all anxious. So am I, I look down and start to play with my white nails. It's barely been a minute but I feel like it's been forever.

What's wrong with me? How did I just splash hot coffee on someone. I hate myself so much. I bring my hand to my face and wipe my eye. Why can't I be normal? A normal adult. Times like this makes me wonder how would it all be if I stayed in the UK. I miss my mom and dad. I need to talk to them, I wish I can but they wouldn't want to hear from me.

I get up and go to the restroom. Thank God it's empty because I just breakdown. I'm crouching and holding my head between my hands and just sobbing. My tears bathe my cheek and I'm choking in between cries. I just want someone. Someone to help me. I'm so broken and I make things worse. I start hitting myself in the head. "I hate myself!" I hit again, "I hate myself!" I pound harder and keep repeating until I feel numb and then I drop to the ground.

I'm here in a hospital filled with hundreds of people and I'm crying my lungs out and still no one hears me.

Am I making everything such a big deal? I always ask myself the same question.
Or is it appropriate to break down? I don't know! I don't know!

I control my breathing and quiet down. I get up again and turn to the sink. I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are red. My eyes have pain in them. I frown and turn on the water, lean down and start washing my face.  Once that's done I dry my hands and face with paper towels. I take another deep breath and walk out the restroom. My legs are a bit shaky so I continue breathing. Right when I get back to the waiting room they call my name. "That's me." I raise my hand and the nurse waves her hand indicating to follow her.

"So Justin is recovering from his bleeding. He has several blisters and we've prescribed medications to make him feel better." We arrive at the room and she opens the door. "I'll leave you alone." She closes the door.

I look at Justin on the bed. He has those masks on and his chest is exposed and it's red and like the nurse said: with blisters. Some parts are bandaged due to the bleeding. I grab a chair and sit next to him. His eyes have been following me the whole time. "Justin. I-I'm so sorry. I-I know that isn't enough but I just didn't know what the hell went through me. I'm so sorry Justin." His head turns to face me.

"A-Ariana. I forgive you." His voice sounds raspy, he looks tired.

"If there's anything I can do to help."

He shakes his head. "It's fine. I'll be getting out in two days. Don't worry."

"Does it hurt?"

Again he shakes his head. "Not as much as it did right when you splashed me with that 380° coffee."

"Justin. I know this isn't good. I even feel like I'm dreaming because I just can't process what's- but this isn't about me. I'm just sorry. I feel that's the only thing I can say right now." He smiles and doesn't say anything back. I've fucked up entirely. I don't say anything as well but just sit back and watch Justin. His eyes are closed and he's just resting. After a few minutes I think he's gone to sleep. I lean in and rest my head on the bed. His face just a few inches in front of me. I sigh and just admire Justin again. I understand if he never wants to talk to me again. I feel like I need to say something though.

"Justin. I know you're asleep and everything but, I wanna tell my feelings." I pause and my eyes look back up at him, his eyes aren't open so I continue. "Just almost half a year ago I saw you at Brewer. You were the most handsomest guy I've ever laid my eyes on. Back then at that place you had to get napkins yourself since the workers didnt offer it when they gave you the drink. So I got up and walked over there the same time as you. We reached for the napkins at the same time and our hands touched. I looked at you and got lost into those eyes of yours. They were beautiful. I guess you got wierded out and left. Ever since that day I fell in love with you. Up 'till now I still am, but I think I didn't fall in love with you exactly. I fell in love with your appearance, because love at first sight doesn't exist. I don't know if it comes out stalkerish- but after that day I always watched you at that coffee shop. The way you came in with your different denim jackets which thank God you weren't wearing any today."

I smile and look at Justin again. "When you offered to buy something for me a week ago I felt so happy. You said you were single which was a complete lie, doesn't matter though, the thing is you finally noticed me again! It's all I ever wanted. Now I might've mess up any chances between you and me." It goes silent and my head bends down and a tear silently runs down my cheek. "I'm sorry for what I did. Something is wrong with me and I don't know what to do or what it is. Good things come to those who wait but look at us now. Seeing you with someone else destroyed me. I don't even know you much. It's all some childish love." I take a deep breath. "I'll try to move on and disappear from your life." I smile and wipe a tear. I get up and walk out of the room, out of the hospital. The walk back to the coffee shop was exhausting. I didn't go inside, I was just there to get my car. I unlocked it got in and drove home. No feeling inside me. It's like I flushed them away.

I'm empty.