Another day at the coffee shop Brewer. I decided not to get there earlier. I don't know, I feel now that Justin knows me that's all I need. Yet there's a feeling deep inside me that still wants him to love me. I'm trying to dig my feelings away instead of having them gnawing at me.
Bad idea.
Once I stepped into that shop there was Justin, but with another girl, same as last time, except their lips were against one another's. Time started going slow. The feeling I had now was anger and sadness, swelling in my stomach. I did feel like crying but no, I held them back. My hands curled into fists. My head and heart was pounding. I walked into line. He hasn't even noticed I was standing there because he was too busy eating someone's face. How can he just lie to me like that? He said he was single. My jaw tightened that my teeth were crushing each other. I'm about to burst. I'm about to explode.
I felt a sudden tap on the shoulder and just like that my feelings disappeared. I turn around and there's Katherine. "Hi Ari!" She embraces me in a hug which is what I direly needed. I take a deep breath to calm myself. She let's go and then her expression turns serious. Her eyes are wavering around Justin's direction then back to me, "What the fuck!" She's shouting in a whisper. "How the hell are you not swinging?" She seems annoyed now.
"I-I want-no I don't- I don't know." My tears come back. I can't, I just can't! Maybe I'm being extra or not. This is a big thing for me, this is like a fantasy crush. Then being able to talk to him was incredible. Now that's all crushed with a stupid action and stupid lie.
"You don't wanna get out? We can leave." Katherine does care about me, I think she understands what I'm going through. "Oh, he's looking- he's looking." The line advances so I have to take a step back backwards. "He's ordering now- Jesus girl! Your eyes are red." She starts fanning my eyes with her hands, maybe that will help? Or not, doesn't matter. "Look up- look up!" My head bobs upwards and she fans vigorously, I think Katherine looks funny so I start silently laughing.
"There, I think I'm better." I exhale and run my hands through my hair. "Thank you. Are my eyes better? How's my makeup?" I joke and her eyes examine me
"Everything is just fine. Here I'll order for both of us? You want a coffee for you can throw at him? Or do I do that?" The line advances again and we will be next.
"Just leave it all alone. Get me a vanilla iced coffee." I try fixing my posture. So I stand up straight and confidently.
"If he looks at you. Look deep into his eyes." She lifts an eyebrow and I nod in approval. I take a quick look around the shop and Justin is at the pick up area, his hand around the girl's waist. We're next so Katherine and I walk to the desk and she starts talking for me. I look back at Justin and there he is, looking straight back at me.
Can I do this? Do I break this glance or just keep going.
Time feels slow once more, the only thing here right now is him and I. Everything in the background is just a blur and noise. His hand rubs his chin, he knows what he did.
I think he's about to look away so I shake my head slowly. His attention focuses back on me, right when that happens I squint my eyes and give him a disgusted face. Justin is honestly a bit surprised. I spin back around to Katherine.
"Let's go to the pick up area." I say, wait did I just- what.
"But Justin is there." Katherine points out.
I shrug, "So?" I'm being possessed right now. I cannot believe I'm saying this.
"Go by yourself then. Go kick ass." I smile and start walking. I was just wanting to breakdown a while ago, now I'm all confident and shit? I am 100 percent sure I have a split personality. Justin is right in front of me, this time his girl which I haven't caught a good look at her face, is in front of him and he's hugging her. He looks back and scrunches up his face. "What?" I mouth and cross my arms then put a hip to the side. I'm shook. I'm doing this, like me Ariana Grande giving sass? He gets his order and they both turn around
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Um- she looks - I'm not going to say but I felt like laughing. He puts a hand on her back and they walk out. Right after that Katherine walks back up. "That wasn't kickass. But it was alright." She turns back around and sees them leaving through the glass windows.
As if my normal self was coming back, I felt weak. "That's not me. I don't why the hell I just didn't leave."
"Doesn't matter. The only thing that does, is what you're gonna do now? Are you gonna move on or. . ." Her voice travels off and I just frown. Is that really it? All this heartache and feelings that I had for almost a year- just gone?
"I don't know." I quietly respond and our coffee is ready. I grab it and take a straw, rip the paper on it and start sipping my iced coffee. That's all I need right now at this moment. We walk out into the glorious sun shining down on us. I've been through hell and back, sort of. Maybe I should move on. Maybe not. Who knows, what if that wasnt Justin's girlfriend. Doubt it though. Eh- I'll just see where this goes. I take another sip of the iced coffe, and then another. Then I think to myself again.
