Awaken With Mistakes (GLP Book 2)

Chapter Two- "Its All In My Mind'

Mar 23, 2014 

He isn't real.

The very thought keeps repeating throughout my hollowed head. There is no absolute way that hes here. He can't be! Its not like you can just die and come back to life! Its not a choice to be gone for a while and come back. Its either you live, you survive, or you die. No exceptions. I know he cant be real. He cannot be. It just isn't right.

"Aus-" the ginger begins to say, but I know better than to go with the hallucinations lurking inside of my mind.

"You are not real," I whisper. He sighs again, for what seems like the thousandth time.

"I am," he insists, but I will not take his words into agreement. He is not here, he is dead.

"Stop being so difficult!" I yell, frustrated at myself. Why can't I be normal? I should've coped from this by now, why haven't I? Why am I holding such a large grudge over this? The guys are right. I need to get over it, I need to be normal. Of course, I could never forgot my such love, and I know now I will die alone. But I need to be a man, and I need to let go.

Let go of the memories, and let live again.

I subconsciously cringe at the dark song lyrics written from the years past, when the band still somewhat existed. It used to be for the slutty blonde bitch, Gielle, but I could care less about her. I've forgotten her. Why can't I forgot about him?

"I'm not trying to be," the little male whimpers. I sigh. Is he truly here? Is he alive? Was this whole thing a joke? A scandal? Why should I accept him back if this is what he's put me through? God, I am so out of it.

"I, I'm sorry!" I burst, beginning to sob. I burry my face into my hands and curl into a ball. I lay on the floor and let the tears come freely. Its something I've become fond of doing. Almost natural; it's certainly a bad habit. A habit that should not exist. No one should weep and sob over someone so much to the point I'm at now. The point of where it hurts to do anything whether its sleeping, eating, drinking, walking, moving. Hell, even thinking hurts! I cannot do anything anymore, there is too much to feel. Let me tell you, I really do long for that feeling to simply not feel at all. It would make this so much more easier.

"There's no need for you to apologies," Alan whispers. I shake my head.

"I didn't mean t-to," I cry. He sighs, once again. I don't even know if ill ever get tired of hearing his beautiful voice. I should follow him, really I should. I don't know why I haven't. It could be because of guilt, I suppose. But maybe he is here. Maybe he is real? But how, is the question.

"I owe you a thousand apologizes, Austin, you don't need to say 'sorry' for a single thing!" he says. I shake my head once again. I might not have to in his point of view, but I am so so terrible for what I've done. He had left me, and he's still gone. 

He's not real.

"Austin?" he says in a worried fashion, shaking me from my shoulders. 

"What?" I mumble. I am in no mood for communication today, but unfortunately, I have to. He won't leave me alone. I know my imagination too utterly well. It's actually quite sad how much I know about my subconscious than myself. I've spent too long in isolation. Doesn't bother me, not like it'll kill me. 

Sadly, I hope it will. 

"Look me in the eye," the ginger commands. I do as told, mostly because I don't have the energy to put up a fight. I literally have absolutely no willpower left in me. Maybe I should grab something small to nibble on, but nothing large. There is no way in hell I could eat something more than a granola bar or a blueberry poptart. It's sad, really, but I don't care. I stopped caring about myself a long, long time ago. 

"I am not fake," he speaks. I shake my head.

"You are, you are my imagination," I whisper shakily. I need to get my mind off of this, the idea needs to go away. This isn't healthy for me. 

Of course, you know, I've done nothing healthy in so long, I've forgotten what it's like to live. 

Oh fucking well. 

"I am real," he objects. 

"No you are not!" I yell, getting frustrated once again. 

"I am here," he tells, calmly. I hear a knock on the rusted dirty old door again, and I groan. Who could it fucking be this time, what? Another Alan? If so, that's just freaking sad that my concious would do this to me. I sound like a madman.

I get off the dusty grey-carpeted floors and fling the door open.

"What the hell do you want?" I hiss. Like I said, I am in no mood for socialization. 

"Are you okay?" Shayley asks. I shake my head.

"H-he's he-ere," I stutter. Shay sighs.

"Austin, it's just your imagination," he lectures. 

"No, for real!" I mutter in a tone of fear.

"Take me to him, show me," he says, noticing the genuinity of my words. I nod and show him the couch I've sat on for forever. 

"Aus, you really weren't lying," Shay whispers in a state of shock. 

"Shayley," Alan whimpers, slowly getting up from his spot that he lay on behind the disgusting couch. Shay reaches his hand out, and cautiously places his hand upon Alan's pale cheek. He looked so nervous, so afraid. I think he might be even more afraid than me. 

And that's saying something.

-x-

WORD COUNT: 1025

hooray for chapter two, woohoo. don't worry this story won't be so depressing, okay. just wait. JUST WAIT. you will love this book, I swear okay. i promise you c: 

ily u <3