Awaken With Mistakes (GLP Book 2)

Chapter Four- "Can You Hold On One More Day?"

Mar  27, 2014

*Alan's POV*

And I'll never let you go.

The very words that Austin said so quietly, I could barely hear, they echo through my head. I regret so badly leaving him for all these years. I had choices, I could've avoided him. I didn't have to try to kill myself, I don't know why I did it. All I know is, I've missed Austin so fucking much, I will probably have a break down eventually. Oh, who am I kidding? I've had like four already. Dear lord, what is wrong in my terrible mind? 

"Alan?" my love asks. I look up at him, trying to hide the depression from showing in my face. Austin doesn't know what's happened the past three years, the time I've been gone. I hate not telling him, but what else was I to do? Am I simply going to tell him all that his simple little sentences had caused? No. Why? Because I don't need to be another burden to the man. He's a wreck, I can clearly see this. If I had never met him, he wouldn't be in such a horrible state. 

It's your fault. 

There is nothing I can deny about this, it is my fault. 

"Alan??" Austin says in worried fashion. I had been to caught up in my thoughts, I had forgotten to answer him from before. 

"S-sorry," I stutter, stumbling over my words. I attempt to recollect my thoughts, but it's nearly impossible. My mind is too littered and discombobulated. 

"It's okay, Alley Cat," he smiles, kissing my forehead. His smile, it gives me those butterflies every time. I feel a pang of guilt blast into my chest; my heart racing thousands of kilometers every second I stand here. I need to inform him of what happened, but I'll still feel such guilt. He'll think it was all his fault, but it wasn't just him. I understand somewhat why he did such the terrible duty, but he won't believe me if I told him it wasn't just those simple words he formed into the sentences. No, but he needs to know about it. He needs to know about my fuck-ups. 

"C-Can I t-tell you something?" I whimper out. Instantly Austin's expression changes into one full of worry and sorrow. Sympathy, even. 

"Of course," he whispers back, placing the small, shy smile back onto his precious face. I know he is hiding something, I've known him for so long I can always tell. Not only that, but it is extremely obvious. 

I lead him away from Shayley, who stayed quiet a majority of our reunion. 

"Pl-lease don't f-freak out," I softly weep. I'm such a wuss, it cannot be taken in any other format than seriously. It's sad, honestly. 

"I promise," he says sincerely. I can tell he's afraid. Afraid of what I'll say. 

"When I was gone.." I trail off, attempting to gather my thoughts for what seemed to be the millionth time. It isn't new, I should be used to this. Unfortunately, I don't think I ever will be. 

"Please continue," Austin mewls softly. I nod and continue on with my short list of items I need to say. I don't plan to be rude, but I need to be blunt. 

"I was diagnosed with dysthymia," I confide. Austin's eyes widen, and a look of sympathy and sadness washed upon his beautiful, restless face. I feel so terrible I hadn't told him before, but he needed to know. He had to know I had depression, and it wasn't simply from bipolar disorder. No, it was dysthymia, and I knew it. Even the hospital had said it. Let me tell you one thing, I have a terrible idea of hospitals ever since my coma from before. I will never want to step foot into one unless Austin was there, or if someone had forced me into it. Never would I ever enter one willingly. Never.

But, there was still more to tell. Basically, to put it directly, I was one fucked-up person. And not necessarily in the good way. Well, if there was a good way. 

"A-and PTSD," I murmur. I hate speaking about myself, especially with all of my terrible and utterly horrible disorders. They make me different, and they make a ungodly huge impact on my life. Why can't I simply be normal? 

"Post-Traumatic Stress disorder?" Austin asks quietly. I nod, and bury my face into the callused palms of my hands. I instantly break down, letting every tear and every emotion burst out of me at once. I can't handle all of this. I just want to be happy, and have no flaws. I want to be good enough for Austin, but I'm not. Why does he stay with me? It's as if he were dating - if we are even still dating - a rusty old pole that used to be beautiful but turned into such rubbish. I am not good enough for his quality. Austin Robert Carile, the man is a masterpiece. One I could never, ever, afford. 

"Alan," he whispers and rushes to me, wrapping his arms around me. It is nice knowing that someone cares about me, I suppose. But I know in the end, he'll give up. They always do. Someone who seems so wonderful, and so trusting, they will never stay. And that won't change. I'm not worth the troubles that have happened. I am beyond broken, and Austin is the only one who can mend me. Put me back together, if he will. But I doubt he would, as I know he won't love me forever. Sure, possibly a marriage, but even I don't think he'll enjoy me for this long. Everyone hates me, and they always will. Sure, I have a tiny group of friends I will socialize with every one in a while, but they don't like me. I'm annoying, and nobody finds enjoyment in me. Fuck, I don't even like me! It is one thing I will never understand. How could somebody love me?

"Alan, please don't be thinking about what I think you are," Austin says sternly. I rest my gaze upon his chocolatey eyes and weep softly. 

"I-I'm s-sorry," I choke out. Why does he put up with me? 

"Alan, I love you, and I forever will," he answers. I sniffle. 

"R-really?" I ask pathetically. Oh, how am I such a woeful child. 

"Of course," he smiles. His smile, it warms my heart, it really does. I could never get tired of looking at it. I just want him to smile all day. I know it's genuine, which I still do not understand. Sadly, I don't think I ever will. 

"H-how can y-you l-love such a inadequate boy like m-me?" I stutter. Austin sighs, and lifts my face up to meet his.

"You are beautiful, perfect in every way. Please, please, please, for me, never underestimate yourself. You are wonderful, and I want you to be mine. Forever, I want you to be mine. Never will I leave you, most certainly not freely. Alan Anthony Ashby, I need to ask you a very important question," he speaks. My eyes widen as he gets down onto one knee and grabs a small velvety box that had been in his jean pocket. 

"Alan Anthony Ashby, will you marry me?"

-x-

Word Count: 1240