Awaken With Mistakes (GLP Book 2)

Chapter Seven- "Weapon Of Choice"

*Austin's POV* | Apr 2, 2014

He's alive! He is fucking alive. Alive. 

The word keeps going through my head, and I still cannot believe I had almost lost him. 

That's the key word. Almost. 

I honestly was scared, because without him I was nothing. The sad thing about all of this, was.. I didn't even know what caused this 'panic attack' or anything of the above. It's frightening, and I don't like it. Not one bit. I just hope he's better before the wedding. 

*time lapse + Alan's POV* 

"Why won't you tell me what caused the attack?" Austin whines. I shake my head once again. 

"I can't," I say. I've been keeping up an emotionless facade, simply because I'm scared for my own well-being. I know it's unfortunately driving Austin to insanity from his curiousity, but I can't let him know. He'll leave me, I'm sure of it. It's not like he hasn't done it before. 

Oddly, that was in a hospital too. But... Let's not think about that.

"Why?" he asks once again. I sigh. Give it up, Carlile, you aren't finding out.

"Because I said so," I murmur, sticking my tongue out. 

"Please? This is really important. I want to know what's bothering you," he says. "I want to help you." 

Help? That's something I don't get often. 

"Give it up, I'm not telling you," I mumble. 

"I'm not giving up," he insists. I roll my eyes. 

"I'll tickle you," he threatens. I gasp in utter horror. 

"Oh, you wouldn't!" I snort sarcastically. Austin chuckles.

"You'd be surprised at what I'd do to you," he whispers seductively, coming closer to me. He places his hands on my hips and pecks my forehead. 

"Not in a hospital," I whisper frantically. 

"Whoever said here?" Austin asks. My cheeks go to a burning red. I quickly cover up my face my yanking the bed sheets up and using my hands to cover the rest so I can still breathe. After last night's episode, I kind of don't want to die. I can't leave Austin. I've said it before, and I will say it again. Only he can leave me. 

"Are you okay?" Austin wonders aloud, his voice worrisome. How could someone be so worried about me? Am I even okay?

"I don't know," I mewl. I am scared. Should I tell him? I guess I would have nothing to lose... Except him. 

"Tell me what's wrong?" he suggests. Well, it's now or never. 

"Alright," I say, not thinking anything beforehand. Guess that has decided my fate. 

"Thank you," Austin replies, smiling. I guess he's glad he can get me off his back. I couldn't blame him. 

I gulp and feel myself beginning to shake slightly. 

"I had a d-dream," I begin, recalling the events from just twelve hours ago. It's still terrifying to think about. 

"Was it another nightmare?" he interrogates. I nod slowly. Austin shoots me a look of sympathy. I wanted to avoid that.

"You broke off the wedding..." I trail off, unable to simply say anything more. The sobs are coming, I can feel all the emotions that are bottled up getting ready to explode.. Its killing me, and I just can't take it.

"And you hated me," I speak, shaking harder. Its moments before it happens. Seconds, just second waiting until my emotional breakdown. Seconds until Austin gets fed up with me and leaves.

"I question myself everyday," I whisper, letting my thoughts overwhelm me. The tears stream quickly,  and I just cant feel anything. Its as if I've overdosed on emotions and now its numb. Nothing to feel, not at all. I am nothing. I am broken. I cannot be fixed.

Doesnt it just jog your mind how some people can be so broken? Some can be helped, have hope,  be put back together. But for the fewer of us, we can't. We are too shattered, unable to pick up the pieces. We can't be helped, we have no hope. We just exist. There is nothing to feel, nothing to anticipate, nothing to enjoy. Life is hollow and sullen for us, as if were just that piece of gravel in Minecraft nobody cares for. We aren't the peanut butter to anyone's jelly. And I am one of those few. I question every part of who I am, because I know nothing. I feel nothing. My thoughts consume me. Austin needs someone better than I, and I sure as hell don't deserve him.

But I cannot break it off, only he may.

And that is the problem that lay in place. I know if I bitch and complain, something I've learned to keep to myself, he'll turn his back and walk away. I know he will. He's done it in the past, why not now?

Austin looks at me, his face emotionless. Although it hurts what I know will happen next, I couldn't say I was surprised. I knew what was coming, and I knew what would happen. It's my fault I decided to tell him, and I can't have anyone else to blame besides myself. But, in all honesty, who really is the one to blame? 

"I'm sorry," I mumble quietly. I look away from his gaze. His eyes bore into my head, I know he is looking at me. Why won't he get this over with? The faster it's done the quicker I can go jump off a bridge and rid myself from everyone. Why will he not let this be easier for me?

"Don't be," he whispers quietly. There is no sign of emotion lacing his voice. Hollow, his voice is. There is nothing in it. It sounds like my soul. Empty and void. 

"If you are going to go, please just go. Please don't make this harder than it is," I state strongly. My voice still is rid of emotion, just like his, but I can't show weakness. I can't show responsiveness, no vehemence. Absolutely nothing. 

"As you wish," he says. Such nullity is placed in his voice, it's as if he was that Google Translate program with a robotic voice. Of course, he doesn't sound robotic, but certainly there was oblivion in his articulation. 

Austin gets up from the plastic chair he had sat on and quickly and quietly leaves the room. He faintly shuts the door and I hear his footsteps indicating he's left, and not waiting for my ultimate breakdown to happen. 

"Why am I alive?"  

-x-

Word Count: 1105

im sorry that i have ruined your lives with this book :c it gets better okay, trust me. but no spoiler alerts, I'm not that evil. (: