Mayhem || {unedited}

"I dont feel it anymore..."

"Will you be my girlfriend?" I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. I look over at Chris who is he only one who heard what Liam asked. I feel ecstatic. Nervous. Scared. Relieved. Just when I'm about to tell him my answer I remember, I can't say yes. I'm supposedly 'dying' in 2 weeks, Liam doesn't know about that. I can feel my heart breaking and I look up to Liam's expectant face.

"I-" I start, taking a deep breath. "There's nothing in the world that I would want more than that." I say and I can see his eyes light up. "But, I can't..." I continue quietly. I can see the confusion on Liam's face. Chris puts his hand on mine and I look at him, he's looking at me quizzically too.

"Oh." Liam breathes out, pain clear on his face. "Can I ask why?"

"Liam. It's not that I don't like you, trust me I do. A lot. I just, I don't think I'm ready yet..." I finally whisper to him, not sure what else to say. I sound like he asked me to sleep with him.

We spend the rest of the birthday celebration like that, completely awkward and in distraught. Lissa catches my eye and figures something happened but doesn't ask. When people finally start to leave and I'm saying my goodbyes to them, I see Liam head outside. I quickly excuse myself and I follow him.

"William." I call out. He stops in his tracks and turns to face me, an unlit cigarette in his hand. He lights the cigarette and takes a long drag, blowing up a cloud of smoke. Walking up to him, I study him and soak up everything about him. I pull the cigarette from his lips and drop it to the floor, stubbing it out by stepping on it. Before he can protest I hold up my hand.

"You know how I feel about you smoking." I sigh dejectedly and he laughs bitterly.

"First you, now my cigarettes. You can't deprive me from both things, it's not gonna be fair."

"Liam..." I trail off. I reach up to him and rest my hand on his cheek lightly. "I don't know how to explain why I said no. I care about you. So much, sometimes it hurts. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to hurt you. I still want to be with you," I rant to him, slowly pulling my hand back.

"Then be with me. Why are you telling me all this when you can just simply be with me. I'm not going to hurt you. You're not going to hurt me. It's as simple as that."

"We can still be together. Why do we need the labels?" I ask, starting to get whiny but I tone it down. Liam looks at me and then bursts out laughing. I look at him puzzled.

"Normally, the guy is supposed to be the one trying to avoid labels," he explains and I laugh too, but I don't see the humour in it. "I get it, don't worry. You don't need to explain anymore. I guess we can still be together without the labels." He says and I force a smile at him. You don't get it.

He leans down and kisses me. Out of instinct I kiss him back, but this time it feels different. There isn't a tingly sensation this time. There aren't any alarms going off in my head this time. It feels like, well, kissing. Like putting your lips on someone else's and moving in sync. This isn't normal. We finally break away and I look up at him, eyes searching for any signs of him experiencing the same thing I just did, but his face is a sea of emotions. I hold his hand, it's warm and brings a rush of comfort to me, but not in the way I want it to. Not in the way it did the first time I held it. No goosebumps up my arm, or sparks. Nothing. Something is wrong. What happened to our connection. The front door opens and everyone spills out, laughing and joyous. I wipe of my perplexed look and replace it with a smile, leading Liam to the porch. I distinctly note the annoying voice in my head telling me his hands are warm, way too warm but tell it to shut up and shove it away.

I continue my pleasantries with everyone and each one leaves. Liam's mum leaves with Clara. Stacey comes up to me and gives me an engulfing hug before going. Then Rosalie does as well and she leaves. Liam's the only one left to leave, he squeezes my hand and gives me a warm smile, then walks toward his car and speeds away. My parents go back inside, leaving me alone with Chris and Melissa. Before they say anything I explain what happened with Liam to them. When I get to the part about the labels thing Chris snorts. We go back in and I lead Lissa to my room, lock the door, take her to the wardrobe and lock the door there as well.

"What?" She asks, genuinely worried. "You only do this when it's very important information."

"Remember that time I asked you how you knew someone was special, and you said you'd just feel all the right things? Like the tingly stuff and electricity and all?" I say after a few seconds. She nods warily. "Remember when I first kissed Liam and I told you how right it felt, like I was going to faint, I felt like I was floating?" She nods again, still not sure where I'm going with this. "I don't feel it anymore..." I say quietly.

"Is that why you don't want to put a label on it?" She asks.

"Partially. I don't want to hurt him when I 'die'" I explain and I she says an inaudible 'Oh'. Lissa and Christian have no problem getting into a relationship, they're both going to die. I, on the other hand, have to deal with the emotional aftermath of 'abandoning' Liam. Even if it's for a good cause-ish.

"Sometimes it happens. Sometimes you won't have the heightened senses with him but when it comes back, it's so much better." She explains, or tries to st least.

"That can be true. But, what if I've been reading the signs wrong?" I start. She looks at me quizzical. God I've been getting that expression a whole lot today.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what if everything I supposedly felt wasn't what I thought it was. Like his hot hands were just that: hot. Or the tingly lips were only tingly because he was chewing mint gum. Or feeling like I'm floating or about to faint when I kiss him, then breathless when we break away, because I can't breathe? What if it's not what I thought it was." I say quietly. Lissa looks at me gravely. She takes my hands in hers.

"Look, Char. I'm not going to give you some shady advice-that I'm not even sure is true-because quite simply; I don't know what you're going through. I know you're confused, you're stressed, and you have so much on your plate right now." She starts and looks at me to see if I've caught her drift, I nod. "You already have a lot to stress about, you don't need one more thing. I'd say let things go the way they are. If you're still unsure then tell him, but remember you only have 2 weeks." She tells me and I nod. I hug her, thankful for having a best friend that understands me and knows me so well.