dear diary » shawn mendes

6

Tuesday, June 28th 2016, 3.27 pm, Pickering
Claire's pov

We're home. Dad stops the car and gets out. He takes out my bike from the trunk. Together we get inside. My mom makes some coffee and places cookies and stuff like that at the dining table.
We sit down around the table and start eating.

"So you've finally graduated high school" mom says and smiles at me.

"Yeah" I chuckle and a bit annoyed, like I know that now, thanks.

"You're a grownup woman" dad and Matthew say at the same time.

"Yeah yeah, we can talk about something else now" I say quickly and look down at the cookie I hold in my hands.

"Sure, what should we talk about?" dad asks and I look at Matthew. He has a serious face and teary eyes. I take a deep breath because I know what he meant, I really need to tell my parents.

"Mom.. dad.. it's something you need to know" I start and sigh.

"Okay, tell us sweetie" mom says and dad nods. I inhale again.

"I'm moving" I say. Mom's eyes gets wide and dad drops his jaw.

"But, wait what?" she asks confused.

"Yes.. I'm moving out" I tell them. I look at Matthew who stares down at the table.

"When?" mom asks worried. My dad just sits there and looks surprised at me.

"In three days" I say simply.

"In three days?! And you're telling us this now?!" mom shouts. I nod calmed and look at her.

"Mom.. I can't stand be here anymore, I'll come back in a year" I explain but she doesn't appreciate it.

"In a year?! You're gonna be away for one year, and you're going in three days, and you told us this now?!" she shout and starts crying. "Why can't you stay? Are we bad parents? What is it?" she asks worried.

"Oh my god nooo, you're the best parents ever and I love you, and Matthew is the best brother I could ever ask for. I love all of you so much it hurts. But to see the love of my life look at me and see a friend hurts so much right now and I need to get away from this and think about other stuff" I tell her and sigh.

"The love of your life?" mom asks slowly.

"Yeah.." I sigh.

"You've never had a boyfriend, Claire" she says.

"I know but I love him so much it hurts so bad to look at him and knowing that he sees me just as a friend" I explain.

"A friend? Are you guys friends? Who are this boy even?" she asks.

"It's Shawn Mendes mom, haven't you noticed it before?" Matthew says and looks at her.

"Are you having a crush on Shawn? But you guys have been best friends forever" she says and looks at me seriously.

"I know and I've liked him since eight grade" I tell her and sigh.

"Wow, I-I didn't know that" she says and leans backwards on the chair.

"Yes, I know" I say and look over at my dad who sits in the same position as last time I looked at him.

"Where are you moving?" my dad finally speaks.

"Greece" I say quiet. Everyone get shocked. Mom and Matthew start crying and dad gets back to the surprised position again.

"You're moving to Greece?!" Matthew shouts and flies up from his chair. I nod slowly.

"Yes" I say quietly. He gets out from the dining room and I can hear how his white door slams shut.

I wanna cry so bad. This was so stupid, I literally broke my brothers heart so much. This broke me, I feel that I can't breathe normally, Diary. I need a hug, a helping hand from the person that never leaves my mind, the person who have friend zoned me. I need to stay, I need to leave. Everything's a mess, why did I have to fall for Shawn in the first case?

"I-I can't" I say and go up to my room, grab my diary and get out from the house. I take my bike and find my way to the bridge.
As I sit down I burst into tears.
They fall like a waterfall down my cheeks and make black stripes of mascara in my foundation.
I inhale shaky and look over the water as I open my black diary with 'Things I can't say out loud' written in gold. My shitty little diary that isn't even a little tumblr like everyone else's. My diary is my best friend and I have conversations with it. I open it and turn up an empty beige side. I stare into it, don't have anything to write.
Slowly I place my pen onto the side and slowly start writing a word up in the left corner.

Empty.

I can't write anything more. I'm empty. I'm unsteady. I'm heartbroken. I'm selfish. I'm weak. I'm nothing.

Nothing.

I write under the first word. I'm hated. I'm loved. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm desperate. I'm heartless.

Mess.

I write under the second word.

I love Shawn and I want him, I want him so bad and I don't understand why I'm not telling him everything I feel, instead I'm moving away and breaking my brothers heart. What if I break Shawn's heart too? What if I'll flip the whole world and what I'm doing is wrong? I hate this feeling when I can't stop thinking about him and deep down I know he probably haven't thought about me once.

I drop my pen. It bounces against the old bridge and lands next to my bare leg. I slowly close my diary and lay it next to me.

"WHY?!" I scream and bury my face in my hands as tears of fear run down my cheeks. My voice echo through the forest and over the lake, make scars in my soul.
I lay down on the bridge and look up at the sky.
Ten minutes later I go home again. My parents sit around the dining table and talk about something. I ignore them and go to Matthew's room. I slowly pull down the golden handle to his room. Slowly I open the door and look inside his room, seeing him in front of his tv with his headphones in and dry tears on his face. I get in quietly and close the door behind me. I walk up to him and hug him from behind.

"I love you brother" I say to him. He pauses his game and hugs me back. Tears slowly fall down over his cheeks again. He turns around and hugs me tight as he takes his headphones off.

"I love you too baby sis" he says and cries. I rub his back and calm him down.
I pull back and cup his face in my hands as I wipe away his tears with my thumbs.

"Please don't cry" I say with a broken voice.

"I don't want you to grow up, I don't want you to go, I want to have my little sister here with me" he sobs and looks at me with sad eyes.

"I have to do this" I say and furrow my eyebrows in sadness but he shakes his head. "I'll always be your little sister, wherever I am, I'll always love you Matt and I'll always be here for you" I add and tears roll down over my cheeks.

"I know but-but you've always been here and taken care of the mess I am" he says and looks down.

"I know that you misses her, Matt.. I do too, she was like my sister, but you really have to move on because I can't stay here forever and neither can you" I tell him and he nods slowly. I kiss his forehead and go to the door.

"I love you, Matt, and I'm not leaving yet" I say and go out the door.