S T U D Y [Hamilton AU] (LAMS)

16

john

"What's the matter with you?" he scoffed.

"I just want to know what happened!"

"Then ask Aaron, ask Charles. I can't fucking remember John! I blacked out! I'm sorry I couldn't handle my fucking liquor!"

"You're pathetic," I grumbled. "Sortirican."

"Get out. I don't want to talk to you right now."

"Alexander. Okay I-I was way-"

"Way out of line. Get the fuck out of here, John. Now!"

I sighed, and regretted everything, but there was so much anger in me that everything impulsively came out, without filter and without reason. "Fine, fine. Fuck you, Sortirican!"

"Fuck you!" He shoved me and I shoved him back. He pushed back harder. And I punched his face. I punched him. There was a pause and I could see the tears in his eyes just waiting to pour out. He punched me back. "I never want to see you again, you racist asshole! Get the fuck out of here, now!" he shouted, his voice cracking. He punched me again and shoved me into the door.

"Get the fuck off me, Spic!"

"Stop fucking calling me names! Get out of here!" he shouted. He opened the door and pushed me out.

"Don't fucking touch me, river-crosser!" He slammed the door in my face.

alex

I felt like my heart had just burst into a million pieces. I banged my fists on the door and cried and cried and cried until I was choking on my sobs. When I finally stopped, I don't know what came over me, but I felt like I was drunk again.

I left the room and went to down to the RA desk. "Lee, I want to talk to you," I said.

"You look rough. Was all that screaming you?" Lee said smoothly. I jumped up on the counter and turned around to face him, sliding down onto his lap. I put his hands on my thighs. Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to his jawline and moved up to his ear.

"If you want something rough, then go on a break and let's go some place where I can scream for you," I replied softly. He squeezed my thigh. He kissed my neck and wrapped some of my hair around his fingers.

"Works for me," he whispered. He grabbed my wrist and took me to his dorm room. In one swift motion, he closed the door behind us, locked it, grabbed my face and kissed me. He pushed me down on the bed and slid one hand up my thigh, using the other to hold himself up. He moved down to my neck, and start to pull at my shirt. I sat up and took off my shirt and he took of his. God. He was so muscular. He was built really well, and I just wanted to be all over him. I wanted him. "Liking what you see, baby?" he said.

"I could look at you all day," I said, biting my lip. He chuckled.

"I can make that happen. All you gotta do is say the word."

I straddled him and kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I felt high or drunk or something. I felt so incredibly wanted. He started to kiss and suck on my neck, and I found it harder and harder to keep my moans suppressed. "I want you," I said. "Right here, right now."

john

I think Alexander broke my nose. It was bleeding, being supported by a rolled up piece of toilet paper. My eye was already starting to bruise and swell. For such a small guy, he sure got in some good hits. I was in Burr's dorm with Lafayette and Hercules, telling them what had happened.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Aaron said.

"I-"

"I told you nothing happened, and you didn't believe me. You let yourself get all worked up and look where it got you."

"But I-"

"How could you do this to Alexander?" Lafayette said.

"He beat me up," I retorted.

"John. You really fucked up," Hercules said.

"I don't know what happened. Something just took over me. I-" I cut myself off, feeling tears rushing to my eyes, and I couldn't hold them back. "I called him spic. Spic! What the fuck is wrong with me? I never meant anything it just... It just came out and I-I-I-I-" I couldn't talk anymore.

"Spic?" Lafayette said.

"It's a slur, for hispanics. Where did you even learn that?" Hercules asked.

"I-I-I don't know... God, I feel awful. He said he never wants to talk to me again. I don't blame him. I really fucked up," I sighed.

"You shouldn't," Aaron said.

"What?"

"You shouldn't talk to him again."

"Aaron, hey, that's taking it a little too far," Hercules said.

"Are you actually defending him?"

"What he did was wrong, but it was in the heat of he moment. Alex has gotta understand that, too."

"No, it doesn't matter. John showed what he's capable of, and I don't think Alexander would want to take him back. You fucked up John. And you have to face the consequences."

"But Aaron, m-maybe if I explained-" I said.

"You can't take back what you said John. Okay? You can try all you want to win him back, but chances are, he's going to move on. Because no one wants to be with someone who can't control their temper!" Aaron shouted.

All of us were quiet. I felt tears slipping down my cheeks. "I think you should go," Lafayette said quietly.

I just nodded and left, knowing that I wasn't wanted anymore. I quietly walked up the stairs and stood in front of my dorm door for a while. I took a deep breath and opened the door. It was empty. I don't know why I was expecting him to be here. I should've known better. Aaron was right. I lost any hope of being with him. And I don't stand a chance of getting him back.

I went to the bathroom and washed my face and threw away the tissue that was stopping the blood. My eye was noticeably getting worse. Perfect. I went back to my room and laid down on my bed, just letting myself cry.