S T U D Y [Hamilton AU] (LAMS)

12

john

I had one of my hands on the back of Alex's neck and the other was wrapped around his waist. Alex was over me, his legs on either side of me, sitting on my stomach as my legs supported his back. God, this was all so perfect. It was amazing. I bit lightly on his bottom lip, causing him to quietly gasp briefly. I could feel a lump in my throat as I tried so hard to push the words out. I love you. I love you. I love you! I tried so hard to get the words out, but I couldn't. Because I was afraid. Alex pulled back slowly and sat up. He looked incredibly sexy, and I bit my lip to keep back my thoughts. He slid off of me and onto his back on the bed next to me. He didn't look as happy a He had earlier.

"Hey, what's wrong Alex?" I asked. I took his hand between mine and kissed his knuckles.

"I-I just..."

"Alex," I started.

"I feel like you don't want me."

"What?"

"Like you just want to kiss me. You don't want me," he said, his voice cracking.

"Alexander-" He yanked his hand away.

"Tell me the truth John!"

"Don't be ridiculous. If I just wanted to make out with you then I wouldn't try so hard to make everything so fucking perfect for you!" I didn't mean to curse. I just stared at the ceiling. I didn't mean for it to come out that way.

I was taken back a bit. I sat up. "John..." I sat up too. He looked so scared.

"Alexander, I really like you. I've told you before. Please just believe me."

"I want to."

"Then why don't you."

"You wouldn't understand."

"God, Alexander, what are you so afraid of?" I was trying to be as gently as possible as I took his hands into mine. I felt tears stinging at my eyes, and his were flooding too.

"I-I-"

"Please just... Tell me."

"I just don't want you to throw me to the side when someone better comes along."

I grabbed him and tightly pulled him in for a hug, kissing his temple. "I would never." He leaned against my chest. We stayed like that in silence for a while before he finally started to push against me. I let go of him and brushed my hand against his cheek. He smiled slightly as I got up to change clothes. Alex changed as well. When he was dressed, he just kind of stood there. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry for doubting you John," I whispered, looking down. He kissed my temple.

"It's okay Alex. I just want you to know I care about you. Now c'mon, let's get some sleep."

-

Alex was asleep on my bed, curled up against me. I hated myself for not being able to say I loved him. If I had just told him I loved him when we were kissing. When he was over me. At the theatre. At any point in time yesterday, then maybe he wouldn't be so sad. Then maybe he wouldn't have gotten so upset like he did. He adjusted himself and turned into my chest more. I kept my arm around him and rubbed my thumb in circles. "I-" I cut myself off when I noticed he was waking up. He kissed my neck and moved up so that we were at eye level.

"Good morning," he whispered.

"Hey, good morning," I smiled. He smiled slightly and laid there, just looking at me.

"I-I'm sorry. About last night. I feel bad for Laf and Hercules putting all this effort in, and we just had an a-"

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. I just wanted it all to be perfect for you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah. And I really appreciate that John. No one's ever done what you did for me. Thank you."

I smiled at him. "You're welcome."

We went back to a silence, just laying in bed. He would stare at the ceiling, and I would stare at him. He looked so perfect. I wanted to say it, I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't bring myself to.

"I'm not ready," he mumbled.

"Wh-What?"

"To start classes again. It's so much work. I love it, but I'll admit it can be overwhelming sometimes."

"Oh. C'mon Alexander, if anyone can handle it, you can. You're like the smartest person in town."

"Thanks John. It's nice to hear that. No one ever tells me anything like that." He intertwined our fingers. 

"Well, you should hear it a lot more often. You're incredible Alexander." I pulled him into a soft kiss. He smiled and pulled back. He sat up and played with my hair a bit.

"You're so sweet John," he smiled. "I'm going to go take a shower, be back in a bit." He leaned down and kissed me quickly before I had the chance to say anything.

I fell back on the bed. I groaned and stared at the ceiling. Why couldn't I just tell him how I felt? I was so scared that if I told him, he just would react well. So I kept my thoughts to myself. God, why was I this worried? Why was I overthinking this so much.

*flashback*

"i love you," i whispered. we were both on his bed, my hands on his neck and his around my hips, itching to go lower.

"what?" he laughed.

"i love you."

he shoved me off of him. "no you don't."

"what are you talking about? i just-"

"i know what you said, but you don't mean it." he tossed me my shirt.

"of course i do b-"

"shut up!"

"what's the matter with you?"

"i don't love you," he laughed. "wait. did you actually think i did?"

"w-what? but... but what about-"

"i know what we did, but it just for pleasure. don't you get it, you idiot, that's all i ever wanted from you!"

"but-"

"get out."

"i-"

"i said get out!"

*end of flashback*

My stomach turned at the memory. It was the first time I had ever said 'I love you' to someone. And it didn't go in my favour. Maybe that's why I'm so scared to tell Alex how I feel. Maybe that's why I fight it so hard. Because there's a chance that Alex will react the same way he did. Then he'll never want anything to do with me, just like he did. He'll be gone. And I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want Alex gone. I wanted him with me. In my arms. Kissing me, not anybody else. Just me and him. That's all I want now.