The Darkness of Life

Be Myself Again

Don't rely

Don't show affection

I tell myself this everyday, hoping that one day I can finally go numb

Finally go back to how I used to be

I wont feel needed by anyone, nor will I need to feel needed

I will go back to how I was, alone and silent.

I will go back to having few friends

Back to relying solely on myself and not being a bother to people

I felt safe not knowing anyone

I felt safe behind my walls I built

No one could climb them, nor could anyone touch me through them

I built my walls up and I built them high for protection

However, people kept tearing them down every chance they got

Weakening me and making me grow soft

I remain friendly to people but at what cost?

I am used for my helpfulness and receive nothing in return

But that's ok.

For I become more numb with each occurrence

I don't want to feel anymore

I don't want to cry anymore

I don't want to remain awake at 3am bawling wondering why people keep breaking me down

Why people lash out against me for not abiding their requests but yet remaining so kind to them

Everyone asks Why don't you get out? Why don't you make new friends?

Everyone asks, yet no one thinks as to why I don't

My social phobia keeps me from conversing with people

My claustrophobia keeps me from sitting close to people

My paranoia keeps me on the edge of what people may do and/or say

These are just a few of the reasons I refuse

You don't know the pain I go through to talk and be near strangers

You don't know the fears that go through my mind every single day

Yet I keep fighting to seem normal to people

I hide my flaws and keep a smile on my face just to make it seem like nothings wrong

I will never tell my problems, I will not burden those around me

So everyday I say to myself

Don't rely

Don't show affection

And maybe...just maybe

I may go numb and I wont have to worry about people

I wont have to worry about my problems

I wont have to worry about when is the next night my mind wont take anymore and Ill bawl into my pillow once again

Maybe...just maybe...Ill be myself again