Diary Opened

July 20th 2017

I had three days. Tuesday July 11th, Thursday July 13th, Tuesday July 18th. Three days. Three days to live someone else's life. I found joy and I found relief and happiness. Three days that's all I got. It might seem sad to latch onto the brief moments that offered me the life I always wanted, but on the other hand that is what I have always done. Last summer once again I got three days, but only one afternoon to be free.

It might seem ironic but given that afternoon I was terrified to be alone. My security blanket was leaving me alone with strangers who were of somebody else's life. But I got through that day, laughing and self conscious. 

These three days were a repeat, a chance to revisit that group and those people. It was the last opportunity I would ever have before they all dispersed and left. It was the last year. I got to laugh and get closer with these people. I got to feel like someone else. It hurts a little to know that they will probably look back and not care about my presence. As I have always felt "I offer nothing and take away nothing". I've used that as an approach to life to remain neutral and non-confrontational, but sometimes I just wish I could take a chance and offer something. As adding something, whether it's laughter and comedy or an addictive personality, great stories, becoming an integral part of the system causes you become wanted and appreciated. 

I was only allowed a chance to get closer with these people because I was taking someone else's place. I have always felt like I never truly measured up to this person and if anything I was a charity case. But still having those three days to experience that persons life that she had for ten years... I wish I had that chance. I got three days and just continue to desperately cling to the memory in hopes it will resurface or maybe the people will take a sudden interest in me, even if it defies all logic. Desperation and blind hope maybe. I made a playlist of stolen songs from the day and continue to bathe in it to bring back the days. Playing the songs like I'm carrying a secret, a secret into a different part of my life. I always hope for the impossible. Maybe a call out of the blue, a brief glance, or an accidental encounter, but half of me knows. I know that call will never come, a confession will never be heard, they will move on with their own lives collecting new memories and new people. If I choose to hold on I will be left with old memories and a desperate hope which never existed.  

Is it wrong that I like my separate spheres of my life? I enjoy the fact that I have secret parts of my life that even those who think they know me, they don't quite understand another level. I like people knowing that I have other spheres and that they do not know all my faces. I always described my outlook as it is always about appearances. That may not make much sense since I'm trying to keep the details sparing. But I'll try to explain. The other day two of my spheres briefly collided with people from separate parts of my life suddenly existing in the same place. I felt the need to over do it. Pretend that I'm better friends with some people than I actually was, I laughed a little harder hoping to turn some heads. Hoping for them to look over and give the illusion that I was apart of an elite and exclusive group where I was happy. I wanted that feeling of being special, superior, apart of something. I liked that feeling like I had possession over these people, over this group, they were mine not these strangers, they were a part of my sphere.