Diary Opened

July 17th 2017

I have spoken about this topic before but I woke up today with the same feeling renewed: the feeling of a crushing desire for purpose lingers. I want to imagine, build, create, write, do anything really, but I want it to be meaningful. I want to change somebody's life if I can't just have my name known. But how do I do that remains to be the question. The quest to be extraordinary seems to be a place with no starting point or map. In addition to that I have always felt that I am sheerly running out of time. As a result I always try to hit the pause button in my life as much as possible meaning tv, netflix, anything to take my mind of the moment. But the results are count intuitive as I merely lose time and wake up from electronic induced pause to realize I am in the same place as always: I remain at square one, in the dark, with no idea how to move forward.  

Taking those steps forward can be terrifying especially when you don't know if you are moving in the "right" direction. What is a waste of time and what is that diamond in the rough passion? Do you ever feel like you are in a competition with the rest of the world? Being held to standards you have no idea how to achieve if you are looking to be exceptional. Hearing stories of the greats or the accomplishments of so many at such a young age. Zuckerberg started the origins of Facebook when he was in college. 16 year old girls have played in wimbledon. The youngest entrepreneur on shark tank was just six years old and got a $100,000 investment to go on and become a millionaire. If you want to feel unaccomplished definitely just look up young success stories.

What do those people have that us common folk do not? Maybe it's drive. Maybe it's an idea. Maybe it's that rare ability to move forward regardless of the number of obstacles. But none of those traits seem unachievable. Not easy to obtain, but not rare. The purpose of including all those names is to show whatever the trait or factor is in success it's certainly not age or experience. I so strongly want to not believe that it was inborn talent or something nobody could have helped; in other words that regardless success was just going to come regardless of circumstance to those people. I don't want to believe that because I want to believe that we are capable. We are capable of deciding our own future and controlling our own means. That old saying that we are the masters of our fate, which becomes more believable when you look at the small things in life. Like my tennis coach used to say, "the unfortunate thing about tennis is that the ball goes where you hit it".