Diary Opened

June 28th 2017

We all seek success in our own right. But sometimes our goals become convoluted and seem to far to reach. Persistence and drive are admirable qualities, because they are a rare trait to find in true form. An unending will, and the desire to hold yourself to a higher purpose.

It scares me to look around and see so many people who have settled. A 9-5 job with a life solely devoted to someone else. I want to push forward. I want to be remembered in some form. Remembered by more people than the handful I am around. I want to expand my reach. But how? 

Shortcuts to fame seem to come in the form of inventions or creations. Someone with a brilliant plan or a brilliantly simple idea. But I always wonder about the odds and if I can make that happen for myself.

Maybe it's easier to dream when you're young because you're not burdened by reality, statistics, or the fear that you may fail. As you grow it becomes harder to take risks and maybe its often because you have more to lose. Your pride. Your dream. Or all the sacrifices it requires.

Hard work requires time and sacrifice. And success requires an idea. How can you have it all in life? And can you really have it all in life? I want success. I want to become skilled. But I also want to be able to live in the now, and enjoy my life.

It has always seemed to me so hard to remember to live when you're trying to look past that. How do you devote yourself to improvement while trying to balance regular life. 

I remember summers when I was in school. They always seemed to be this other world where if I could just hold out long enough everything would be fine. During the summer everything would be okay. I would study, I would gain those skills, I would become a better me. But as much as you want to change it's difficult. Even more so when it's so simple to sit back, relax, sleep. Reward yourself for the hard work you already put into the year and mentally prepare yourself for what is to come.

I suppose one of the reasons drive is hard to come by is because it requires a motivation. A motivation while it may waver, will ultimately never quit. 

It's easier to be average. To do what is required and coast through life putting in work five days a week. But if you want more out of life you have to put in more too. I once kept a notebook a few pages full of quotes, motivations all in attempt to solidify what I wanted in life. Trying to find a way to find what I love and figure out a future. But I'm still not sure and time is always slipping away. 

I tried looking at success stories. I have a policy where I don't take advice from people who themselves have not achieved a greater level. I handpicked icons to look at, trying to find some form of advice. While that all sounds great and highly motivated trust me when I say it does not feel like it. I started that notebook, but entries became more and more sporadic until months would pass without me looking at this notebook of dreams. 

Maybe it was because I was afraid of failing. Afraid of letting myself down. After all the quotes became less motivational and more expressions of myself when I would write at peaks and troughs of my emotions. When I would be overjoyed, or sobbing, or fearful, or worried, this notebook became that occasional documentation. 

That little notebook has since been transferred over to here. Opened for all to see, because I just thought it would be a shame to not give others the same opportunity to observe and think. Open their own minds and figure out what they want.

I always envied those who knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives, because honestly I don't. The future scares me, but all I want to do is live up to my potential. I remember a girl who wrote in my yearbook that I was going to change the world someday. There is nothing I want more than that. I want to make an impact. To be remembered. Make the world a better place. That is the most cliche line ever, but it's true in it's own way. I believe I can find my passion and go for it with no regrets, but I've just always felt like I've struggled to find that passion in the first place. 

Remember that saying "I am a jack of all traits, but a master at none". It's a rare thing indeed to find passion, talent, and drive all hidden in the same place. But nonetheless I continue holding faith that, that place exists. That some how and some way I will find my path in the world. I don't know how much of an impact I can make, but I try to keep reminding myself it'd also be a shame for me not to try.