Diary Opened

June 16th 2017

Someone once told me "I'm a jack of all traits, but a master of none" and I related to that so whole-heartedly. I feel there is no one skill or trait that I possess in which I am just so superior or dominant. Yet the keys to success usually lay in finding one skill which you are simply a master and completely taking over that one area. Athletes, engineers, doctors it just always seems like others have a plan. Where I am, I am surrounded by driven people who have their sights set on a goal in addition to being immensely smart and talented they are also driven, on quality I cannot emphasize enough. 

Having drive is what gives you opportunities to hone that one skill of your craft and apply complete devotion to gain total mastery. But having drive can also mean that you are capable of completing a task. 

I am most scared of people with drive because even if their goal seems far-fetched in the back of my mind I believe they are capable of achieving success. I'm scared and slightly intimidated by these people because I do not feel like I possess that same quality. 

As a jack of traits I am allowed the privilege of being moderately talented at a handful of skills, but that also means I see people who start out poorly or less talented than myself grow to quickly surpass me. I've experienced this first hand on multiple occasions, going from one of the most dominant players on the soccer field to ever so slowly fading into the background until quitting all together. I gave my reason for quitting "I'm no good at soccer" I say, but there's always a part of me that wishes I could be something more. I did try and try to improve, and I even have tormented myself over thoughts like "if I had just made that one team when I was 7 I would be on the same path as my friend who actually made the team". This is an actual thought that always used to roam around my mind when I was younger. I had gone with a friend of mine to tryouts and I was somewhat passive when having to compete with her, during the tryouts it ended up being no different. As a result I did not make the club team but she did and went on to become a very talented and devoted player. 

I still carry around that slight sting of what could have been, and even though I can look back and not care as much the memory still sticks with me which I always believe must mean something. 

Maybe I could have done things differently. Applied drive and redoubled my efforts in soccer perhaps but pesky old logic always seems to hold me back there too. I'm currently playing a different sport where I have been put on this pedestal and it scares me. I came out as this "hero" on a championship team, but that label terrifies me to no end. If things had gone differently I wouldn't be the hero and I can't help but think that a twist of luck got me labelled as a hero therefore I will never be able to live up to the expectations which it sets out. 

I know I can practice and get talented, however I also know I have no future in sports. So few people go on to have a career as athletes and those rarities can often be hand picked before they are even teenagers. I have first hand seen an athlete and believed with no doubt in my mind- they are going to make it, I'll be damned if they don't. I do not possess any talent like that so my mind always tugs with the temporary idea of achieving greatness versus the time and effort which will ultimately be wasted. Time and effort I could have spent elsewhere maybe even developing my future. My balance between utilizing time and wasting it- the ever present conundrum.

This chapter was supposed to focus on pressure but instead my train of thought has touched upon some of my most concerning and complexing issues that I think about. Not only pressure, but expectations, regrets, success and rationalizing.