Diary Opened

September 16th 2017

Our identities can change in a moments notice. Things you took for granted could turn out to be lies. Identifiers could turn out to change. Or maybe just be discovered. My question: if there is a part of ourselves right now that has always been there and we just discover it our we changed? Maybe this doesn't make a lot of sense out of context, particularly because I'm trying to be vague. But identity is so crucial to us. Our personal matters, our beliefs, our values, our morals, our breaking points, when the time comes what will and won't you be willing to do. Those things define us more than anything, yet they don't set us apart anyone can make a simple gut reaction choice.

It's a somewhat relating matter but I recently found out I have a genetic syndrome. It's nothing serious, but it's a little startling because a piece of my identity has always been connected to a clean bill of health, no cavities, no allergies, lucky. However then one day a doctor tells me I have this disease, it has no impact on my current life, but it just kind of makes you wonder because from this point forward this disease will be something that's apart of me, something that defines me. When I remember facts about myself I will always have to keep it at the ready, making sure I never forget. It sounds strange, but I was almost excited because I always felt too normal, too boring. When bad things happen they are terrible but they draw interest into your life, a new focus point, a break from the old routine. They present a challenge and something to overcome. Maybe I like obstacles or maybe I like excuses, I truly do not know. It is something I question myself about.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm aiming to create a life in my mind more interesting than the one I live. It's like I try to be difficult or stand in my own way. I'm scared of risks, I'm scared of fear, of the unknown. I like routines, but routines make you boring. I'm constantly trying to change myself, but feel like I always come so far just to turn around and forget my motivation entirely. I get hit in waves of enthusiasm, energy, life, and spirit which drives me to pursue new things, exercise, find tasks worthy of a burst of creativity and hope. Yet those waves are far and few between. I would much rather stay in my house and watch tv than go out and socialize. I don't know what I want, do I want a change in my life? Or do I want to stop caring how others may view it? Because when I'm alone I don't care about opinions, how I look or other social complexes, I'm content when I'm alone. Yet you get judged for being alone. Thus lies a paradox I suppose. The people who live in fear of judgement being judged based off your method of coping.