Diary Opened

July 5th 2017

Great expectations. That may be one root to fear, worry, and pressure in our lives. We hold ourselves accountable and to the standards of others. 

We learn by imitation and comparison. Studying those around us and often wishing we could be different. If we could just pick and choose our traits and characteristics from how we view them. I know that I have often blamed my problems on my shortcomings, with the belief that if only I had blank or was more like blank than the problem would never arise. If I was as talented as... If I could be as social as... If I could be asa smart as... 

There seems to be a fine line which separates a drive and desire to improve and an excuse used to rationalize other issues.

Expectations come in so many forms in our lives. Through our parents, through our peers, through ourselves and our own goals. 

Inherently I believe I learned at a young age that if you set the bar low enough you will always success thus no fear of failure. However that knowledge is a burden. Setting that bar low if common enough can become how others identify you. I've used a variation of this example before but the point is still relevant. I played soccer when I was younger, but I was always intimidated my cousin who took it more seriously and played year round. Therefore when we would occasionally play together I would always save myself the embarrassment and cheerfully own up to the fact that I was terrible at soccer. That meant it was no surprise when I was lacking in comparison to my cousin. However here is the catch, I did not believe that I was terrible when I first said it. Instead of risking embarrassment and failure, I self deprecated and met my expectations.

When you spend enough time telling people you are bad at soccer soon you start to believe it yourself. My mindset at such a young age was still "I'm not naturally talented enough, and anyway they've already gotten too much of a head start for me to even compete. So why try?" I ended up giving up soccer after my heart slowly but surely fell out of it. I was still never going to be as talented or athletic as any of the other kids so why bother, right?

By lowering our expectations yes we are more likely to be satisfied, but we risk losing our on the possibility of greatness. That one chance you may get to shock yourself and reach that astronomical height. No risk, no reward. At least that is what everyone always says. 

Although for me and I assume many others taking risks is way easier said than done. Risks are considered risks because they scare you and there's often some possibility where murphy's law will take over and everything completely hits the fan. But. There's always that one window of possibility.

No one will take a risk without an incentive. Maybe you want to go tightrope walking for the thrill of it. Gamble everything on a stock investment, on the possibility you will get everything in your wildest dreams. But you can never forget those simple risks. Those choices and opportunities that terrify you, but are kept secret as they pail in comparison to "real life". Public speaking. Making a phone call. Going on an amusement park ride. Interviews. First days. You know those things that scare you, but you feel embarrassed that you are even afraid of them at all. Those are the simple conflicts that may terrify you to your core and yet you still have to march through the day.

When you are backed into a corner, and simply know that time is pushing you forward into this circumstance and nothing is going to stop it: I will have to do public speaking on Friday. When push comes to shove sometimes we even surprise ourselves with our own strength we may have never encountered if time hadn't pushed us to that brink. 

I want to share a piece of writing with you all. It's a passage that probably makes no logical sense, is riddled with grammatical errors, with the attention span for a single concept lasting about as long as a goldfish. (Sorry self-deprecation again, I guess I'm worried about what you all might think). But it is raw and written on pure emotion. I wrote it in a time of fear, worry and anxiety just to help calm myself down while trying to find some form of expression to replicate how I felt in that moment. Just another quick warning, I wrote this a while back and had absolutely no intention of sharing it with anyone. Ever. So that is why it's a little all over the place, but I also just wanted to show it in it's original form.

"Have you ever had that moment that feels like your marching to your death and you try to fight it with every fiber of your being but the world moves forward and regardless you're shoved alone into the darkness not knowing what may await you or what your fate will be after those two days. Maybe there will be pity in the world and end your life quickly or rather be doomed to humiliation, talentless and alone. There's a pit of anxiety and you can't quite feel your limbs your throat tightens breathing normal becomes a challenge and all you can think is how much easier life is for everyone else in the world. You're just waiting to see what hoops you must jump through and to hear the prodding questions to which to smile and nod thinking why am I and I alone doomed to suffer this fate doomed to sink while everyone else watches without seeing and escapes. Or even sympathy would be nice but it's a march alone there's never quite enough metaphor or situations similar to be able to compare the dread that's the word absolute dread when you're minutes away from being grabbed by a riptide into unstoppable force that you can not escape from. Maybe you'll meet some dolphins but all the more likely your getting dragged to the bottom of the sea, only the good die young right so I should have some solid years left. I'm a pawn insignificant and unnoticed and yet my own world is all consuming I get roughly pulled back into it as soon as I peek outside. Pawns get the illusion of having there own choice but they only go in one direction forward so pass judgements if you will. View me as an outsider, as different people are never born to fit in and those unfortunate few who chose to do so, well it's going to be a long road for you. For in reality I am of the more like kind those who shine a little different."

Maybe you liked that, maybe you're totally confused and a little concerned. Definitely understandable no worries and no need to be concerned though. That was just a whirlwind that swirled through my mind when I was trying to find a way to combat fear. I know this is more informal than most of my other chapters, but the note on which this was written also had some quotes I made up somehow. I do not completely remember the rationalization, but once upon a time they were crystal clear. I'll end this chapter with them, maybe one day I'll write about their backstory, but until that time take the words as you may and bend them to your will.

One day you will be grateful for all the mistakes you made.

Always bet on the wrong horse they need love too.

Don't make assumptions.