Diary Opened

August 20th 2017

Today I'm struggling. I'm struggling with what's possible, what's necessary and what I want. The categories which define my future. We all make choices every day and supposedly our mentality when we wake up dictates how the rest of our day will be- is it productive? Lazy? Boring? I want so badly to do great things, while I also want to relax and reward myself in preparation for the next storm of hard work. I feel like I'm in this cycle of binging and purging knowledge and growth. I'm constantly hitting on new ideas that I want to pursue but when things get difficult and my mind becomes cloudy often those ideas slip away. This book is just one of those ideas that I feel slipping. I wanted to start this book as a test run for a project I wanted to pursue. You can see through the chapters very clearly that I started out posting often, but as I continued to do so I saw the reception of the book wasn't quite there. I started getting discouraged, busy, trying to move on to the next thing. So what makes things or ideas possible?

I recently moved onto a different project that I'm just in the research stage of, but I can already feel my attitude towards it lose it's vigor as I seem to be treading in place with no end in sight. I feel like I'm on the clock, one year and counting down, one year to get something done and to be successful. There is nothing in my mind telling me that I can't do it if I work extremely hard, plan carefully and never give up. But I have no idea where I'm going. I'm so afraid to start a false project where I devote so much of my time and energy only to figure out that it doesn't work. Then I will be truly out of time with my deadline in the rearview mirror. 

I feel like talking to people will help, but I don't know. I would love to rope people in, to join my cause but I'm also scared of sharing credit or joining up with people who won't be as devoted. I know it sounds selfish, and it is really selfish but when push comes to shove I watch out for me first. Don't all of us? Like I've said before pretty much every thought that runs through your mind is either about yourself or from your perspective of a situation. I'm looking out for myself and my future, because I feel like getting others involved may boost their standing when I want no I need an edge above them all in some way. I need this, but I'm so scared to pursue something on my own. Having people with me is not only a force which pushes the project in new ways I've never thought of but it also makes sure that effort will always be there. That getting discouraged won't be the death of a dream. 

I remember my mother as one who would constantly spit out ideas- some random, some weird, some bad, but also some strikingly good. Yet that's all she did just carried out ideas never putting anything into action. I asked her about it once and she admitted that she had all these great ideas, but would never have the time or dedication to see one out fully and that's why she would need others to do it for her. My greatest fear is that all the ideas I have will wilt as well, never growing up to become a break through or ever see the light of the real world.

I ask what is impossible because I want to know is everything really possible, will I not be doomed if I pick a project that may be more than I could handle. It's so much safer to tackle a task you can manage but I don't know the possibility of doing something great has just as much of a draw to it.