Diary Opened

August 1st 2017

Do you ever feel like you are just not normal? That's not quite phrased the right way, but what I'm getting at is I always feel like I'm behind. With experiences and major milestones I just always come up short. I hear stories about others' experiences, their wild, crazy, passionate stories. Whether they ended the night alone, laughing or in tears I remain almost envious that they had the choice and option. It feels like I need to take a leap to reach these milestone, or to even have a shot at them really, but I'm absolutely terrified. My way of life, the expectation I've built for myself and what others have come to expect from me these choices just seem unlikely at best and impossible at worst. Every choice I've made just seems unorthodox and unique, but consequently I don't get a life like you see in the movies. The "typical" experience. As a result I do my best to try to pull my friends back in this race of life discouraging risk taking or choosing to see the worst in others to attempt to have company while being left in the dust. Misery I suppose. 

I don't have an exciting life. I'm focused, I'm hardworking and that's about it. I define a purpose and work to achieve it. Because of this I want to just cling to people with great lives, live through them even for a moment to pretend like I too have purpose. Pretend that I'm more important than I actually am. Is it wrong to almost wish something horrible would happen to myself or to have people unexpectedly and out-of-the-blue take a chance on me, just to make my life seem more interesting. I listen to drama and offer opinions occasionally, rarely, but I always managed to avoid the drama a little too well. Maybe there are people out there who have the life, the typical, the excitement filled, the fun life and desire something a little more simple. I understand, but there's still a part of me that is envious that they got to live through all those experiences in the first place. Maybe it's pressure of society, or maybe it's fear of missing out and being left behind, but I just feel as though I will never be able to make up the distance especially if I don't start running. Which I don't see happening anytime in the foreseeable future. I blame it on my environment. I blame it on my character. I blame it on others. I pity myself. I berate myself. I get disappointed. I try to give myself hope. I try to mark a date for when it will all get better. Like somehow time will work to solve my problems rather than trying to address them myself. But deadline after deadline passes with no progress made. Consciously I know I have to change, but I have a difficult time believing that I can actually do it...