TRITTANY: Finally Noticed

Lost in Him

BRITTANY

It felt good, teaching again. It was the first time in a while that I really had a clear head, and could just dance and laugh and be with people that I didn't feel like I needed to try for. Being in the same room as the fans was like re-discovering the love I had for them again, not that I could ever really forget, not for long at least. By the end of the morning section of the convention, my cheeks were already hurting from smiling and I had this fluttering in my stomach; pure happiness. I hadn't been this excited since...well I couldn't remember. Maybe going to Australia? Maybe.

We took a lunch break in-between classes, where among tweeting and eating, I got the first chance in a while to catch up with all of the cast in one place at one time again. All these feelings of the days before Australia came flooding back and it was so easy to pretend that moving hadn't happened. For a minute at least. However, it's ability to make me forget about Australia and work and everything new about my life was not what I loved so much about being surrounded by all of my friends in the lunch room that day. Instead it was it's ability to make me forget about the night before...

I had been teaching with Trevor and Lamar all morning. It had been like it always had with those two. Funny, energy bouncing off the walls, comfortable, easy. It was a feeling like riding a bike for the first time since you were a kid; forever had passed since you last did it, and this tiny worry was in the back of your mind as you lifted your feet off the ground that maybe you'd forgotten how to do it. But as soon as you were off cycling, or in my case - dancing with the boys - it was like you'd been doing it every day of you life. They were my family, the people I grew up with. Which is what scared me most about that almost kiss with Trev. Don't get me wrong, a lot about it scared me. That we hadn't talked about it, that it actually happened! All very close to the top of my fear list - but that it was him?! That was enough to make my heart race a million miles an hour. After I woke up in the middle of the night, I laid there for a while, wondering if I could just pretend like I was the only one who noticed exactly what happened. Like maybe, in some weird twisted reality, Trevor's brain had switched off its memory mode during that exact moment in the pool, and he hadn't noticed. Maybe in his mind, we had just swam around and talked and laughed and then Lamar had come back and that had been the extent of what happened. He hadn't tried to kiss me, and I hadn't almost gone along with it. Maybe somehow - I was the only one of the two of us that noticed it. That was the level of delusional that what happened had made me.

Of course Trev knew what happened last night. I mean, he was there for a start. But even if by some miracle, his memory totally sucked or he had some sort of weird blank during the moment of the almost kiss that meant he didn't know what was happening, he had stopped by to see me the night before. Taveeta had told me that morning that he had come by. That didn't just happen. That was no coincidence. No matter how much I had tried to convince myself that it could've been. However, even if that was also the case and as well as a terrible memory or some sort of mental blank Trev had just stopped by to discuss something stupid or pointless with me that night, just seeing him at breakfast was more than enough for me to know that he was aware of it all. He had been there just as much as I had. Maybe even more so.

The rest of the day at the convention may as well have flown in. After lunch we were setting up to do the whole thing again. The debate was now whether or not I should hide before the afternoon class, considering most of the morning kids had already raved on social media about me being there. In the end however, we still played out the little charade of Trevor and Lamar speaking about a 'female helping hand' and me coming out of the change rooms. It didn't get as big of a reaction as the morning class but the kids still cheered and a few gasped. After that we were teaching the same choreography and participating in a Q&A and signing merch and taking pictures. Most of it was now blending into one huge memory in my mind by the time the last kid left.