A Collection of Short Stories and Poems

Issue

~Lol, this is beginning to turn into a vent journal than what it was actually intended to do. I know I haven't posted on this for quite awhile, but I think I just need to get this out of my head? I can't really talk to anyone about it, so this is the only place I'd post this on without feeling like I've hurt someone. Blorp, sorry, I'm just going to start. ~

I know I joke about things
I probably shouldn't,
But I don't know how else
To cope with this.

Do I find it funny?
I would be sick and
Twisted if I said
Anything other than
No.

We talk about you
As if you never left
And we never mention
Where you are now.
Perhaps it is because
We really don't know
If you really ever were
There.

Yet,
There is still this
Lingering feeling
Of love I had for you.
And perhaps that is
Just my brain coping
With the fact that I feel. . .
Abandoned.

My issue is that
You Skype me
As if you were just
In the other room.
You message me
As if you still knew me
Like you used to.

Did I enjoy my birthday last month?
I forgot about that
Because I was too busy
Cleaning up the mess
I try to call our --
No, my --
family.

Do I have any partners?
I don't know if I could
Ever have one
Knowing that they might abandon me
Like you did so easily.
Maybe you were even lying
About supporting my sexuality.

How is your art coming along?
As if you really even cared anymore.
You never really believed
I could ever draw
Like you used to.

You don't understand.
You can't understand.
And how could you?

You haven't seen the way
My family is falling apart --
All of the people I've lost
Since I lost you.

You haven't seen
My father cry
Simply because he looked at me
For too long
And saw only you
In me.

You haven't seen me
Neglect sleep for nights upon nights
Simply because I was afraid that
If I slept too deeply,
Then I might disappear completely
And leave my father
With even more heartache.

You haven't seen
How I've lost my
Sensitivity and empathy
Because I kept hurting myself
When I saw how tired --
How deeply exhausted --
My father had become.

You haven't seen
How I tremble
During an anxiety attack,
How I choke when
Your name is mentioned
Too often for me
To pretend like you
Never existed.

You haven't seen
The hollow look
On my father's face
When he realises
He's lost you forever --
How long he cried in my arms
When you sent him
An envelope full of divorce papers.

You haven't seen
How I've given up on
Reading books
Because I don't have the
Time to relax anymore.

You haven't seen
How quiet we've
All become simply because
We're terrified of accidentally
Mentioning you
And tearing this family --
My family --
Farther apart.

Do you see it?
This is my issue.
I've become so scared
Of losing even more
That I've lost all rationality
To push you
Completely away.

~ah, I'm not motivated enough to actually edit any of this, so ???? Here's my shit made from anger???? I know it's terrible, but I never promised you quality angst Shit. I hope you like disappointment because I have a large surplus. ~