Battle Scars

twenty seven

"Room time is over! Head to the quiet room for group therapy!" Molly's voice buzzes out of the loudspeaker.

Indistinct chatter begins to fill up the hallway. I hear voices and the shuffling of footsteps grow closer to my room, then stretch farther as the teens pass by.

I remain in my uncomfortable position, not caring enough to move. Robin did my braids an hour or so ago; pulling and twisting my hair. She's ill and pale, yet still willing to help another.

"You need to get your little ass out of that bed, Collins. Go face your fears, you'll feel better in the end." Robin groans.

I ignore her. A single tear trickles down my face as I hear Ethan's voice in the hallway. His warm, crackled voice. I clench my right hand, grabbing onto my knotted braids. I've been drowning in a nasty pool of sweat in the last hour, not having any motivation to move a single muscle. Even taking breaths feels like the most difficult task.

I can't just go out and "face my fears," Robin...and are you really one to talk?

Is this what heartbreak feels like?

Am I going to feel this solid empty emotion for the rest of my life?

I want to ask her so many questions. She probably has all the answers, but no words come out of my mouth. It just doesn't feel worth it.

God damn it, Amber. You haven't even known this guy for a full month!

I sniffle and lock my fingers in my greasy, tangled mess of a braid.

"You gotta fix your hair, girl."

I give Robin a weak look of shock, and notice that she's now facing my direction.

"I swear to god, Robin. It's as if you can always read my damn mind."

She forces a smirk, then rolls over. I notice the look of fear buried within her sad, glassy eyes before they shut, with her crooked eye facing away from me. I briefly study her still body, before my mouth finally allows me to speak. Finally allows me to ask her a question.

"What does schizophrenia do to someone?"

I instantly widen my eyes and shut my mouth as I realize what decided to escape from my mouth.

I hear a quiet sigh from Robin's side of the room, followed by her rough voice of exhaustion.

She hesitates before speaking, allowing me to apologize for my choice of question.

"I'm sorry..I didn't mean to ask such a-"

"Have you ever been terrified of something before? Or someone?" She says.

I pop my head up like a pigeon as my attitude suddenly changes. I think back to when I was seven years old. I was at a fair, and this enormous clown appeared out o-

"Not something stupid, like a pop-up scare video." She rolls back over and rests her head on her limp arm. "I mean...terrified of something for a long period of time, and having no control over the feeling, or the situation."

I rest my head back on the pillow and stare up at the ceiling.

Terrified of something....for a long period of time.

A faint memory begins to appear in my mind.

Having no control over the situation..

I exhale sharply as I recall camping with my mom and Maggie, Walt, and a couple of Walt's friends. A shiver runs down my spine, causing my body to quiver. A single drop of sweat drips down the back of my neck..

This is a memory that i never wanted to remember.

"Y...yes.." I stutter, almost feeling the exact grasp of Dan's large hands, attempting to pin me against a tree.

"Get the heck off me!" I remember yelling in bitter fear to Walt's psychotic friend.

"Who's up for another can of Ale!" A familiar, deep voice came from the campsite, followed by the stumbling footsteps of my oblivious stepfather.

I cried for days. Weeks. I didn't want to go outside ever again. I didn't want anything to do with Walt, or his twisted friends. My mom didn't believe me when I told her what happened, and Walt blamed the entire situation on me. Luckily, Dan didn't have enough time to actually persue with whatever evil plan he plotted.

Although my dislike for him is strong, if it weren't for Walt walking past us that day in the woods, I would have probably walked out of those woods with my virginity stolen.

"Yes, Robin. I have felt that fear." My voice shakes. I feel around and notice more sweat has added to the collection on my bed. Fantastic.

Robin suddenly turns around and leans in close to my damp face.

"Imagine all that fear built up inside of you...that empty hole that you have to carry around inside of your chest, as you're skeptical of everything and everyone's every movement..."

She pauses and backs up a few inches, taking a deep breath.

"...except all of that fear.. it all comes from the fear.. of your own self. Your own mind. Your own emotions."

She wipes a tear from her cheek and looks up at me. That look of pure sadness..pure desperation.

"I'm so fucking scared of myself, Collins... so fucking scared...I don't even know what to do with my own mind anymore.."

I stand up out of the sweat and pull Robin into a tight hug, disregarding the uncomfortable bone, that seems to now stick out of her back, digging into my upper arm.

We stay there in complete silence for what seems like forever. Her weak arms wrapped around my back, and our heads resting against one another.

After a couple minutes, Robin slowly starts to release herself from my body, and her ghostly face, once again, becomes within my view.

"See, Collins. Right now, you're flooded with emotions, but so am I, and so is everyone else in the rest of the world. We all feel that gut feeling, just in different forms of emotion."

I let out a silent exhale and scratch the back of my head. "I guess so." I say quietly.

"So, this is the part where you actually get out of bed and join everyone else."

I smirk and roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah." I quote her.

"Actually, wait." She reaches underneath her bed and obtains a pair of clothes. "Take a shower first. You stink, girl."

I sarcastically flip her off and roll over, causing her to release a small chuckle.

I think back to the first day I arrived at this place. To when I first spoke to Robin. She was the one that helped me get used to this place. She was the one with the best advice.

Robin is my friend. My first, actual friend. Not a Lynn, not a Veronica..

An actual friend.

I roll out of my thin mattress of a bed, feeling the sinking gut feeling decrease as I stretch my arms.

I grab Robin's extra pair of clothes, and send her a friendly smile as I make my way to the bathroom to take a warm, hospital shower.