Battle Scars

thirty seven

"It is very important to express your feelings to somebody you trust when you feel them. You should never let your emotions bottle up into a heavy jar in the back of your mind."

The room filled with hormonal teenagers listen intently as Michelle lectures on about letting negative emotions go and thinking optimistically about things. She makes eye contact with me as she covers the topic of having somebody to trust and talk to at rough times. She says depression may kick in when someone feels like they don't have anyone to talk to.

Michelle. God damn Michelle. I've been avoiding every form of contact at her every-other-day meetings in my room. She pisses me off and I cannot trust her. Hypocritical? Maybe, but she loves to talk about trust for a snitch.

Emily sneaks a quick glare towards me, as she's been doing the entire day. It's starting to really irritate me.

When the session concludes, I stand with a stretch. Teens exit the room one by one, quietly as it is only the morning and we are all still getting used to daylight.

"Hey, Amber I have a meeting with Dr Seltz later today." Blaine says behind me as I exit the group room.

"That's great, kid. Maybe you're getting discharged." I say without much emotion.

Truth is, it's only been a day without seeing Ethan and I already feel a bit weird. It doesn't feel normal to not see him everywhere. It's like this place is a puzzle, and he's the missing piece. It's hard to engage in activity when all you want to do is sleep and think about a tall, handsome white boy with thick glasses and a lip ring.

I'm on my own now, for as long as this place wants me. I've come to terms with the fact that that's okay. Either way, I'm the only one who can fix myself completely. I can only thank Ethan for his help along the way.

Blaine and I walk our short way to the day room, where a deck of cards sits neatly in the center of our usual table.

I feel a lump in my throat. I don't think I'll ever look at cards again without picturing Ethan. I miss him. Hell, it's been like 12 hours, why am I so clingy?

We sit across from each other, with me facing the window. At Blaine's lack of attention, I set up a game of solitare. When he turns back he gives me a confused glare.

"Did you create your own card game?" He asks.

I shake my head as I set down the last few cards. "Solitare. It's one player, but it's exceptionally addictive. Ethan taught me how to play."

"Exceptionally addictive. You and your big words."

From behind me, Laia watches as I find my first ace. I smile at her sudden presence.

"Hey, Laia. Do you know how to play solitare?"

She shakes her head. "Soli-what? Never even heard of it. But I'm interested. Teach me."

I finish my round as quickly as I possibly can with all four eyes on me, showing Blaine and Laia how it all works. I finish it effectively, just how Ethan taught me. Then I allow my two friends to test his magic.

............

I take my meds over by Justin's office. Michelle and I exchange brief eye contact, and it triggers something inside of me.

"How much longer are you guys going to keep me in this place? I'm starting to think of here as my home." I say after a hard swallow. "And that is the most disappointing thing in the world."

"Your first step would be talking to me when I check up on you." Her words irritate me, and I hand the cup back to her. "You must convey your emotions in order to be understood."

"Why the hell should I trust you with my emotions?" The words erupt from my mouth. I don't realize until it's too late. She takes the cup and walks away from me, into Justin's office. I let out a sharp exhale before walking back to my room.

"Amber! Amber, you were right!" Blaine's high-pitched voice booms from behind me. I turn around to face him. He looks more than happy as deep dimples carve into his cheeks.

"Did you win the lottery?"

"I'm getting out!" He beams, ignoring my clichè.

I smile and give him the biggest hug. "I'm proud of you." Words that mean a lot when they are said to me. And hell, I am proud of the kid.

But it is becoming more and more apparent that I am alone in my mental recovery.

...........

The water feels slightly warmer tonight. It forms a trail down my body, ending at my toes. Droplets drip from my eyelashes to down my cheeks and chin. I guide the thin bar of soap up and down my stomach, legs, chest, arms...

I wonder what the touch of a boy feels like. Does it compare to trickling water, does it leave goosebumps on tender skin?

My first pair of lips had a metal ring attached. It tasted of dried blood and copper, but it was perfect. Imagining those lips up and down my body causes my skin to crawl with a special sort of satisfaction..