Battle Scars

thirty two

Am I starting to panic?

I try and count the total bodies in this room. I know there are more than when I first arrived at this place. People keep moving around and I keep losing count, landing on 10 or 11 every time.

Its frustrating, especially when you know there's one more out there.

Unfortunately, I have already checked and it is not Emily.

I look out the large bulletproof window. The courtyard is wet and gloomy. The clouds are darker and droopier.

It's raining, pitch black, and somebody is out there. Out there.

How could this be? I scratch the back of my neck as my nerves tense.

I recount two more times. Who the hell couldn't be here?

The sound of indistinct chatter has raised the overall volume in the room. It's never been so loud in here before.

I look around; people are in all directions. Everybody seems here! Who could I be missing?

The air becomes thicker, sweatier. I try to breathe in and out through my mouth.

I turn to Ethan and Emily. Emily lays out every card in order while Ethan watches. She's talking to him, yes. Her lips are moving like a rabbit in the woods, but he doesn't seem to be listening at all. He looks incredibly deep in thought; biting his lip ring over and over and keeping his eyes on that one spot on the table.

I turn to face Michelle, but she's looking the opposite way. Tino and Sam; another new kid, arm wrestle across one of the tables.

I desperately try to think of some smart-ass thing to say to Michelle; something in regards to the missing patient. But I cannot think straight, I cannot shut my mind up. It's as if I need to figure this out myself.

I excuse myself from Blaine and Laia's table and make my way over to Michelle. She turns to me with a weak grin.

"Amber?" She sounds genuinely concerned; different than when I talked to her before. She must have totally disregarded what I said to her in her mind. "Are you alright?" Why is she asking this nonsense? Is my anxiety that noticeable?

I force my stupid brain to think.

A missing freaking patient!

"Can I use the bathroom?" I end up asking, as calm as possible. I need to breathe.

Michelle gives me a puzzled glare, then leads me to the single restroom and unlocks the door. I thank her and shut the door behind me.

I put the toilet seat down and sit, relieved to finally be alone. I try to regain my breathing. The chatter in the day room is still present, but quieter. I'm able to think clearer.

The staff will find the missing person, Amber. That's what they are in the process of doing right now.

It's not your job. You should be focusing on you.

My mind clears up and I feel better in minutes. I hate to admit it, but the breathing technique this place teaches has truly helped my sanity.

After I actually use the restroom, I rejoin the loud chatter and movement in the day room. I glare at Michelle as I pass her. There's going to be a second missing patient if somebody doesn't help you keep track of us.

I sit down next to Laia, who is holding Blaine's borrowed deck of cards.

"We can't play anything with just this." She drops the cards and spreads them throughout the table. "It's missing both Kings, an ace and a Four of Diamonds!"