In Real Life (Nemi)

I hate you, don't leave me

I left the doctor's office with a little something extra. A baby. A fucking baby. I thought when I first became pregnant, I would be much older & married & happy to hear the news. Now, I was devastated. I felt guilty because of the way I felt. I didn't want to feel anything for this baby, because I wasn't keeping it. I had to not think of it as a baby. It was a mistake. It was a complication. I needed to hate it so I could get rid of it. I kept thinking about all the reasons why I had to get rid of it.

I went to my therapist & she prodded until I told her what was bothering me. Of course, she tried to tell me to give it a lot of thought before I had an abortion. I promised her I would. It was all I could do, but truthfully, I was having a hard time thinking of a reason to not have an abortion. After my therapy session, I headed to see Phil. I tried to act normal, as if nothing was wrong. I couldn't tell anyone else about this. Anyone who wasn't bound by a confidentially agreement. I would tell Phil nothing because it was getting taken care of & it wouldn't interfere with my career.

Reality hit me that evening when I was at home, alone, with my thoughts. I started bawling & had a hard time stopping. I don't even know what I was crying about. Was I crying because I was sad or mad or confused or because I felt guilty? I think I was crying because of everything I was feeling. I was overwhelmed. A part of me wanted to drink myself into oblivion or take some pills to make me fall asleep so I didn't have to think about this for a while.

After an hour or so of crying, I finally stopped, pulled myself together & turned on the tv to watch some mind numbing tv show. I heard someone knock on my door as soon as I got comfortable on the couch. Isn't that always the case? I opened the door & was stunned to see Nick on the other side.

"Hi!" He smiled so big at me, my heart skipped several beats. Nick held up a few cartons of Chinese food. "You hungry?" He pushed his way in, kissing my cheek on his way passed me. I went to the kitchen where he had gone to put the food. I stared at him, hoping he couldn't tell there was something different about me. Did I have a glow? Shit, I hope not. His eyes looked up & he suddenly, looked concerned. "You okay? Were you crying?"

I shook my head. "Allergies were killin me today." I lied as I walked to the cupboard to get plates. "What brings you by?"

Nick shrugged his shoulders. "I wanted Chinese food & I wanted to see you. Is that okay? I should have called." His shoulders slumped a little.

"No. It's fine. Really. I was just surprised." I smiled at him.

"So do you have plans for the weekend?" He asked, pouring rice onto a plate.

"No, why?" I wouldn't be able to get rid of your baby until Tuesday at the earliest, so I'm free. I smiled at that thought that was in my head. It wasn't funny, but yea it was a little.

"It's Memorial Day weekend. Joe is having a cookout on Monday & he wants to go out on his friend's boat this weekend & invited us to go, too. I thought it would be fun. A little time to relax before our lives get crazy." He grinned at me.

"Yea. Sounds fun. I don't leave until Thursday for my first round of promotions." I smiled, trying to put the fact that I was pregnant out of my mind. At least for a few days.

After Nick & I were finished eating, later, we were curled up on my couch watching tv. Some dumb commercial came on with a baby & I just had to open up my damn mouth. "Can I ask you a question? It's kind of personal." I sat up so I could look at him.

Nick looked at me. "Sure. You can ask me anything." He smiled.

"When Olivia told you she was pregnant, were you happy about it?"