In Real Life (Nemi)

For the love of a daughter

I couldn't look at Nick as I waited for Marissa to open my door. I was so ashamed that I kept this from him. I felt his eyes on me as he stood up. I heard him breathing, deeply, as we all stepped inside. He sounded like he was angry from the sound of his breathing. I walked to my family room, feeling like I was in a haze. I didn't want to deal with this right now, but he was standing here & probably needed answers. Blanda probably told him, but I wasn't going to assume anything. I sat down on my couch & leaned on the arm, waiting for Marissa & Nick to come in & join me. I saw Marissa first, as she sat in the armchair next to the couch. Nick came in the room & stood by my fireplace, his back to me, his shoulders slumped as he kept his hands in his pockets.

Nick cleared his throat & I took a deep breath. "So Blanda & Joe were over at the house this morning & Blanda asks me how you're doing. I mention you have a doctor's appointment. And she gets this funny look on her face & finally she tells me what you should have told me last Friday. Then she tells me you were planning on getting an abortion." I heard Nick's voice crack & he turned around. I couldn't look him in the face, I was so ashamed. "So I call Marissa only to find out I was too late to stop you. You were already in the exam room & I was almost an hour away." He wanted to stop me? My heart was melting.

My head snapped up to look at Marissa. She hadn't told me Nick had called her. She wasn't looking at me. I felt like I was in grade school & I was in big trouble. Finally, I managed to look up at Nick to see his hurt expression.

"How could you not talk to me about this? How could you not tell me? How could you do this behind my back?" Nick asked, tears in his eyes. My heart was breaking right now. I was praying I hadn't lost him for good, for being so inconsiderate of his feelings.

"I'm sorry." I choked out.

"You're sorry?! Seriously? Is that all you can say?" Nick's tone was a mixture of anger & hurt. In all the years I have known him, I have never heard him sound this way.

"You told me you didn't want to be a father now. You said you had all these things you wanted to do."

Nick looked up at the ceiling as he took a few deep breaths. His hands came up to rub his head in frustration. "That was hypothetical. This is reality." He looked at me, his eyes full of pain. "You didn't even give me a choice. You..." His voice cracked. "You aborted my baby. Our baby." He was whispering & my heart was breaking. I couldn't take it anymore.

I stood up & took a step toward him. "No. I didn't." Tears were in my eyes & my voice was shaking from an impending sob fest. Nick watched me in confusion. "I was sitting on the exam table, waiting for them to start & I closed my eyes & I saw a face flash in my head. It was a beautiful baby girl with your eyes & pouty mouth & a head full of brown curls. I got this overwhelming sense that this baby is a girl. I couldn't get rid of our daughter. I realized I loved her, even though I tried to hate her for the last few days." I was sobbing, watching Nick's face as his eyes got wide & his mouth hung open. "I couldn't go through with it. I started bawling & I told them to give me some time & they did & then I asked for more time & they gave it to me & then finally, after almost two hours of crying, hysterically, I said I changed my mind. They probably wouldn't have done it anyway at that point." I let out a whimper as I wiped, ferociously, at my tears. "I'm sorry that I didn't discuss it with you. I was too concerned about our careers & the fact that you told me how you felt when you thought Olivia was pregnant. You weren't happy. And I didn't want you to think I was trapping you like she did." I took a step closer to him as he continued to stare at me in disbelief. "I'm pregnant, Nick. With your baby. And I don't care if I have to keep it a secret forever, I am having your baby & I am happy about it because I love you. I am so in love with you & I..." I looked down at the floor, trying to catch my breath. My body was shaking as I looked back up at Nick. I started to speak again, but Nick's lips crashing into mine, stopped me. His hands were on the side of my face as he kissed me, passionately. The kiss took my breath away, made my toes curl & my knees weak. It seemed to go on forever.