An Unexpected Love

Chapter 10: I just need you

*Monday January 31, 2011*

Thank God there wasn’t any school today because I don’t think I would have been able to bring myself to go. Today has not been a good day at all. I haven’t even gotten out of bed today and it’s well past midnight now. My depression is eating me from the inside out today. I feel so completely numb and I have no will to do anything; not even get out of bed. I hate this; I hate this so much. There are days when the depression becomes physical and it feels like I have a thousand pounds laying on me; not letting me get up. And then there’s the thoughts fighting against my own telling me I don’t want to get up anyway; that I just want to die. The hardest part is that I can’t seem to fight it; it just takes me over and all I can do is lay there and endure it. 

Yesterday was good though; Louis helped me to make a plan for what to do when I want to cut and we found some things to do instead of it. He knows I can’t and doesn’t expect me to stop immediately, but he’s helping in any way he can to grow to that. God I love him. He asked me if I wanted to do something today but I physically just couldn’t move out of bed and my mind was killing me.  I just felt so numb of everything and wanted to lay there and die.

{Texts with Louis}

Louis: Hey! Do you want to do something today? 

Allie: I do but I just can’t okay… bad day

Louis: Do you want me to come over?

Allie: Whatever…

Louis: What’s wrong?

Allie: Nothing… don’t worry about it

Louis: Yea I’m defiantly coming over, something’s not right. I’ll be there in a few okay, don’t have a heart attack and just leave your window open.

Allie: k…

I ended up falling asleep before Lou got here. I woke up to him holding me with his arms wrapped around my waist; I turned around to face him. I’m sure my face looked lifeless, I felt lifeless. I honestly wish I would have been lifeless; dead. I couldn’t find any reason to live in that moment.

“I’m here” Is all he said before brining me into his chest. After a few minutes he asked, “What happened Al?” I didn’t move at all; I couldn’t. “Nothing did” I spoke out quietly as my voice had no life in it either. “Then why-” but I cut him off knowing what he was asking. “It just happens, my depression… I can’t stop it.” 

“What can I do?” “This.” I answered as I pulled him even closer to me. I just needed him to be there with me. I couldn’t bring myself to talk much; but that was okay, just lying there with him was absolutely fine. At random times he would kiss my head or forehead telling me he loved me before I fell back to sleep. We stayed like that the entire day and night. It’s what I would have done on my own; I wouldn’t have moved or gotten up the entire day so it was nice that he was there. I don’t understand why he did it though; he spent his whole day just watching me sleep pretty much. I feel like I wasted his day. That’s what I’m good at though isn’t it; wasting people’s time? 

It had gotten late and I had just woken up to hear screaming downstairs. I looked over to see that it was about 10pm. 

“I can’t go down there, I can’t deal with it.” I said to Louis starting to shake.

He calmed me down and reassured me that I didn’t have to go anywhere. “Please lock my door.” I asked simply and quietly. He just got up and walked over to my door. “Not that anyone ever comes in here but I always go down when they fight so just lock it in case.” I said brokenly as I was still shaking. He came back to the bed wrapping his arms around me; holding me tight. 

“You’re alright” He kept telling me till I feel asleep in his arms again.

___

I know this chapter was short, but I felt like it was needed for the story. Love you all!

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