An Unexpected Love

Chapter 32: Protecting You

*Wednesday June 15, 2013*

Two weeks later and the messages haven’t stopped; if anything they’ve just gotten worse. I get them every morning and some throughout the day and later on at night. They all get either very graphic in accusing me of things or harsh listing of who I apparently am. I don’t know how to deal with this and I guess it’s why I’m not really dealing with it at all. I haven’t eaten in probably a week; my eating disorder as gotten out of hand and I’m starting to get sick from it. I’ve also started burning again which until lately haven’t done in probably a year.

I still haven’t told Louis and don’t plan on it. I’m just hoping that this maybe stops before he leaves because I don’t know if I can be left completely alone in this state honestly. I’m just not sure what to do. The messages have completely torn me apart. I don’t understand it just seems that whenever things are finally getting better for me I fall apart again. Think about it; I had been almost a year and a half clean of harming on June 5th of last year. I was doing a lot better; I was happier, I was ignoring bullying better, I had just gotten through another school year, Louis had just graduated and had gotten into a nearby school, and then everything came crashing down when my mom had died. I had relapsed after such a long time and a few days later attempted suicide. I’m to a point where I don’t see the point in trying to get better when it will all just fall apart again anyway. I mean think about it; I can’t count the amount of times over the past few years that I will have been clean for a good length of time and then something tears me down; or how many times I’ve had a good day out with Louis and I’ve come home to be beaten up and later end up harming myself. I’m not even sure how I’ll be able to handle this next week let alone an entire month. Even though Louis doesn’t know about this it still helps him just being here. I think he knows something is wrong though; in fact I’m positive he does because he asks me all the time. He just reads me like a book but I brush it off and say it’s nothing. I know he doesn’t believe me but I refuse to stop him from going to Rome and I know that he would drop the trip in an instant if he knew about what was going on.

Louis’ POV

I don’t know what’s been going on with Allie but she isn’t how she normally is. She’s gone back to having more days of her depression taking over and I have a fear that she’s started harming herself again. She had been doing so much better; about two weeks ago she had been 9 months clean. She was getting better at being able to control her breakdowns and she had been overall happier. She still has had days of bad depression but in the past two weeks they’ve been a lot more frequent. I don’t know what brought this on but I’m worried it has to do with me leaving. The day I told her was the day she started getting worse. I can’t leave her if she’s like this. I’ve tried getting her to talk to me about whatever is going on but she keeps acting like nothing is going on and that she’s fine. I know she has to be hiding something but I don’t know why. Well, I have an idea that she doesn’t want to keep me here but it isn’t worth it for her to keep it bottled up inside destroying herself over it alone. I just hate that she thinks whatever it is will bother me or something. She never keeps things from me and I hate this; she’s always told me everything. I worried about her once I leave; I don’t know what she’ll do. When I got the opportunity to go I wasn’t that worried because I knew she was doing better and thought that she would be okay; but now I just don’t know. What am I supposed to do? I can only do so much over a phone when I’m gone and a month is a long time; especially in this situation. I’m supposed to leave in about 2 weeks and by then I need to try and get her somewhat better otherwise I don’t think I’ll be able to go. I won’t be able to forgive myself if she does something while I’m gone.

**

“Hello?” I answered my phone to an unknown number.

“Is this Louis?” An unfamiliar girl’s voice asked.