The Middle (GxG) (Sequel to The Beginning)

Chapter 9

-ZEE'S P.O.V-

      It's been a week since he touched me... honestly, I am FAR from okay. I don't cry about it anymore but I am depressed.
    Although Rose hasn't let go of me since we fixed everything... when things get heated in our kisses, I can't let her further. I feel.. tainted.
    I can't enjoy the simple things that I did before. I can't sleep properly and if I do, it's nightmares. I do my best to keep Rose unaware, which is only working so far.
   She understands us not going further and she promised to wait, which I know she won't break it because she swore herself to me and I to her. I need to talk to someone. But if I get professional help, would it really help?
   Dad's death took more of a toll on Jamie because they had an argument before he passed. I knew he would have wanted me to move on and be happy so I tried and after 5 years it has worked. To a certain extent.
   His memory still hurts me but I think of the good more than the bad. I wish he was here. I wish we could help me. Maybe Jamie can.
~Can I come over?
~Of course. -Jamie.
~Be there in 20. Thanks.
~Doors locked. Ly just left. You know where key is. -Jamie.

    Now just to tell Rose when she comes back in. I sigh. And in cue, she walks in.
"I'm going over to Jamie's.. I'll be back soon."
"Oh. Okay." She forces a smile.
    Before walking out I kiss her.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Zee."
    I drive over to Jamie's. It's actually weird to think of it as her place... But it is. It's hers and Lynn's. She moved out of the house and now lives with her fiancee. Everything I wish for with Rose and I.
    I knock on the door to the basement.
"You don't have to knock, dumbfuck."
    I laugh lightly and walk in, taking the stairs carefully. She looks happy. I'm so happy for her. Just not happy myself.
"I need... help."
    She puts the ps3 controller down and pats the bed beside her. I climb in the bed slowly, carefully crawling over her legs.
"Talk to me, Zee."
"I can't stop thinking about it."
    She nods, waiting for me to continue.
"I may be free from him.. But he is still here. No matter how many showers, it doesn't take away what he did.. I am afraid.. And I won't let Rose touch me. When she gets close, I panic. I get visions of it being him.."
   Jamie brings me into a tight hug. She just holds me while I talk.
"I can't eat right... it feels wrong. I can't sleep because it's all him. It's done nothing but haunt me. I'm scared to leave the house or her house for anything but being close to someone I know. I'm afraid he is always there. I don't know what to do.. But I know if I seek professional help, it wouldn't help."
"Does she know why you're scared?"
"No. She doesn't need to worry."
"It's better to talk to her about this than to me. Because all I can do is hold you like this and give you shitty advice."
   I laugh to her words.
"I can't.. I know she loves me and would never leave me. I know that. And that she will wait until I am ready for sex. But I.. I'm losing myself."
"Call it that stupid 'twin thing' that they always say... But I can feel it. I can feel your pain. I always can."
"Like I did when you were sick."
"Yeah. But I feel you slipping into a familiar hole I use to call home so long ago."
"I'm trying. I am. It's just.. it was like his touch burned my skin. And I can't shake the feeling. I feel tainted like if Rose would touch me.. it wouldn't be the same. Neither would enjoy. And it's heartbreaking to think that.. But I feel like it's true."
"You're not tainted. You just went through something. You aren't tainted. If you were Rose wouldn't bother even holding you at night.. which I know she would never resist."
"You make it seem so easy."
"What easy?"
"Love."
    She laughs lightly. "Gods no. Ly and I tried... And I had a coma dream. It scared the fuck out of us. Her more than me. She was afraid to touch me.. in fear that it was her that brought the nightmare. It wasn't. We've been nothing but happy since. We worked out. She spilled her fears and I did mine. You really need to voice your fears to Rose. She deserves to know instead of watching you wither away."
"It's not that simple. How can it be?"
"Well, she can pull you back from the darkest parts of your mind. If you let her. And she can help you through whatever you are going through. Help you wake up in a nightmare. Hold you until you feel safe again. And eventually free you from his touch with her own." I felt her cringe to the thought of Rose touching me sexually. "What I am saying is if you just talk to her, if you explain. She will be more knowing on how she can help. On how she can be there for you. She will know your real reason you want to wait for sex. She will respect it more if you would just open up."
"You think?"
"With all the shit me and Ly have been through. I know"
"I don't want to seem... weak."
"Bitch, you are weak."
    I laugh and push her from our hug.
"Just because I don't have a fucking sixpack doesn't mean I'm weak."
"SEE! You just admitted you aren't weak."
    I smile. She was right. I don't know how the fuck she always does this to me but she does.
"Now go to your girl. Leave before Ly comes back with my food."
"She get the rest of the week off?"
     She nods.
"I'm so sorry.. to have had you do that.."
"I didn't want to watch you live through that pain. It isn't fun. And if I'm honest, it still hurts. But it's mending fast."
"I'm sorry. For everything."
"Not your fault. I was the dumbass. Plus.. it worked, so."
"Pft. Dumbass is an understatement."
"Yeah, Yeah. Fuck off back to your girl." She points at me and her face is serious. "Tell her EVERYTHING."
"I.."
"Zee. Seriously tell her everything."
    I nod. The door upstairs closed and I see Lynn walk in. A few bags of groceries in hands.
"Hi?" She offers.
"I'm leaving. Don't worry. JJ is all yours."
   She smirks and nods. I wave on my way out.

... Sitting in front of her house and nothing came to me. It was so easy to tell Jamie. Why can't I tell the girl I am hopelessly in love with?
    Her above all would fully understand, right? If she loved me that is. I'm scared.
    I suck it up and head inside.
"Babe?!"
    Silence. I walk into her room and she walks out of the bathroom. Naked. Hair dripping over her shoulder. She paused in her tracks like a deer caught in headlight.
    Something about her bare stomach always makes me...but I need to talk to her.
"Didn't hear you come in. Sorry."
"That's not your fault." I smile.
    She starts to put on clothes, although I like her just fine without them. Her body has curves... But still manages a perfectly flat stomach. Almost toned. She had a reasonably..big butt and thighs... I shake my thoughts away.
"I was wondering if we could talk."
"Of course, babygirl." Been 4 years she has called me that and like a year of being sexual and THAT is what always sets off flutters in my heart.
    I scramble to find words. I make it over and sit on her bed with a big sigh. How.. do I work out possibly hurting her? I don't want to end up hurting her feeling because I'm too scared to make love.
   Once she is dressed, she climbs in bed and sits behind me. She pulls me against her chest and whispers in my ear.
"Whenever you're ready. There is no rush." And she presses a kiss to the back of my neck.
    Without hurting her..and not becoming a crybaby. How.. do I.. fucking hell, it was easy with easy with Jamie.

~   I don't think I can.
     'You'll be fine.'

   It takes about 30 minutes of silence and Rose's arms tightly around me before I squeak out any type of word. No clue exactly how I sounded like it was a croke. It was a start... I guess.
"Scared.." it ...is a very dark start but one nonetheless.
    I try to continue.