Insane (COMPLETED)

Chapter 45

Chapter 45

HARRY'S POV

"Oh," I sighed, my voice becoming small. I am so incredibly tired and sore at the moment, and Louis really isn't helping. I knew deep down that I couldn't keep this secret from him very long, I just didn't want him to figure out on his own. I wanted to tell him.

Louis' gentle eyes focused on me, a look of concern taking over his face. Am I really upsetting him that much?

"You were getting better," he whispered.

"Sorry," was all I could say. I can't keep lying to him and myself. I know what i'm doing is wrong, but I can't control it. It's the only sense of relief I have. I've recently had so much guilt and shit in my mind and carving Louis' name into my skin was practically paradise. The things i've done to James and Hunter never leave my mind, and they're constantly haunting me. I hate that i'm making myself like this, but it helps. It really does. Cutting myself is the best kind of medicine, other than Louis, of course. With him, I don't get the need to cut. It doesn't even run through my mind when i'm with him. Louis makes everything okay.

"I am getting better," I assure him.

"Are you kidding me? You're not-" he began.

"Cutting is helping. I haven't done anything bad yet since the James incident, have I?" I cut him off.

"Cutting yourself isn't making you a better person. Find something else that helps you. This can't be the only solution,"

"You're the only other thing that helps me," I informed Louis, "and you're not always around. You leave me."

"I leave because I can't stand to be around you lately! You scare me! Would you want to be around me if I killed two people and am rude to everyone I'm affiliated with?"

"One person,"

"What?"

"I killed one person. Not two,"

HARRY'S POV

He sarcastically laughed. "And you're proud of that?"

I shook my head. "No."

Louis sighed loudly. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, I need to be more understanding," he told me, "I need to stop just jumping to conclusions."

I bit the inside of my lip. "I'll try and stop, okay? But it's going to take me a long time,"

"Just stop hurting yourself, please. Do you really want to die that bad?"

I nodded my head and Louis' eyes became glossy. "Yeah," I began, " I really do."

"But weren't you scared about the surgery? Weren't you scared of during on the operating table?"

"Only because I wouldn't be the one killing me. I have to do it myself," He took in a deep breath.

"Stop talking like that-"

"Suicide is the only way-"

"Stop!" Louis cut me off, me voice getting loud, "what about me? What happens to me once you're gone? You're only thinking about yourself!"

"You'll move on and get the life you deserve!" I tried to convince him, "you're just so much better off without me,"

"Seriously, Harry? I don't wanna be without you! You're being so fucking selfish. What about us? Don't you want a future with me? We could get married someday! What about our kids? I know how bad you want children. Are you just going to throw all that away and leave me? I want you to know that there is no one else for me. You're my person. Everyone only gets one person to love unconditionally and you're mine. Forget about Chloe! Forget about James and Hunter! Fuck them! Stop living in the god damn past! Right now it's just you and me an it's going to stay like that. I'm going to make you happy and you're going to fucking like it! You are not going to kill yourself!" Louis took in a deep breath and loosened his fists, his chest rising and falling quickly. I'm surprised no one has walked into the room to check on Louis and I. He was screaming pretty loud.

Louis stared at me, his eyebrows knitted together. He licked his lips roughly and sat up taller in his bed. Just as I thought he was going to say something, he didn't. He swallowed his spit and I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down.

"Fine," I finally said, "I'll try harder to get better."

"Good."

The door suddenly opened, exposing a nurse with long blonde hair. She had rosy, full cheeks and her white outfit gave her a youthful look. She reminds me of Maggie in many ways.

"How are you feeling, Harry?" She asked me, a bright smile taking over her mouth.

"I hurt," I sighed.

"Yeah," she chuckled, "you're going to be like that for a while. But no more infection, right?"

I read her name tag on her chest and nodded my head. Her name was Stacy. Pretty name.

"You're right," I said, "but will I be getting any medicine?"

"Of course. Speaking of that, I should go grab your prescription right now."

And with that, she walked back out of the room, leaving Louis and I alone again.

Louis began to say something but stopped, slowly moving his hand in front of his mouth. My index finger and his thumb played with his bottom lip.

"What?" I asked, knowing he had something to say.

"I just wanted to know when you're coming home," He said, "i'm going to miss you while you're here. The house is always so empty without you,"

"Soon, I hope." I adjusted my body on the bed, leaning onto my side. I yawned loudly and rested my head in the crevasse of my arm.

-

LOUIS' POV

I went home a couple hours later after Harry went back asleep. He was so exhausted that he started falling asleep in the middle of his sentences. It was funny but kind of saddening at the same time. I just really want Harry to get better.

I'm honestly shocked that the police haven't figured out that it was Harry that hurt both James and Hunter. But, of course i'm glad they haven't because he would be in prison for probably the rest of his life if they had. I laid in bed and tried my best to fall asleep, but I couldn't. Harry was taking over my mind. Why did he have to get himself into this mess? Why couldn't he have told me what he was feeling instead of taking it out on himself? Well, basically, he had told me before. That letter he wrote me the other day really helped me figure out how his mind works. I switched on my lamp and dug through the drawer of my nightstand, looking for the letter. Moments later, I found the crumpled up pieces of paper under a book I've been reading. I carefully unfolded the papers, trying not to rip them. Harry put so much love and emotion into every word and I can't believe I haven't appreciated this more. It took him hours to write all of this. I flipped to the very last page where he starts to talk about me.

'But Louis, you make me want to try to change. You help me be a better person. The demons in my mind disappear when I'm with you. But every time you leave, they come back stronger than ever,'

These sentences ran through my mind and I folded the papers back up.

I have to stop leaving him.