Insane (COMPLETED)

Chapter 42

Chapter 42

HARRY'S POV

What defines insanity, really? Is it your mind or the mind of the person making the judgement? Because all of us, no matter who you are, can go insane sometimes. There are times when we either know too little or too much. The unknown can be a very scary place. But to me, the known is even scarier. Knowing I killed James isn't what's killing me. What's killing me is knowing I'm only a couple days away from going to prison. I'm going to be found out sooner or later, and i'm not going to blame anyone but myself. But do I regret doing it? No. Not at all.

I'm staring at myself in the mirror, the person looking back at me completely unrecognizable. This isn't me. My hair is a tangled mess and the bags under my eyes clearly show all the sleep I've missed out on. I won't let myself sleep anymore unless I truly need it. I don't deserve something as nice as sleeping. I haven't showered for days and I'm beginning to get pretty disgusting. I looked down at the shirt covering my shoulders and sighed. James' blood was splattered all over it. If any police saw me with this shirt on, if get arrested immediately. How could Niall and Nicole not tell it was blood? With a deep breath, I tore the shirt off my body and threw it to the ground. I need to get rid of it. Looking back down at my torso, I was quickly met with the reality of this situation. The cuts on my chest aren't getting better. The dark, infected skin around the torn flesh has practically dried out, leaving no room to stitch the skin back together. Yellow pus has almost completely covered the dry, bloody flesh inside the wound. Why did I let it get this bad? This is eventually going to kill me. But somehow, I don't find myself caring as much as I should.

You can clearly see my ribs through my chest, and I gently ran my fingers over the skin, feeling each bone. This is so disgusting. I used to be strong and healthy, now most of the muscle I worked so hard for is gone. I haven't eaten an actual meal in probably almost a month. I hate that I let myself get this way. But I deserve it, don't I?

I have nothing.

I have nobody.

Niall doesn't care about me, really. He's just as desperate for love as I am! It's actually sad how much he wants me to love him back. He looks at me like I'm the last human being on the earth. No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to love him back. I will never be able to love him like I love Louis. I watched as tears welled up in my eyes, a tear almost immediately falling down my left cheek.

I always try and tell Louis that I'm the same guy I was a year ago when we all were happy, but I realize now that that's no longer the truth. I am not the man I used to be. A year ago, I would have never killed someone just because he hurt my sister. What's wrong with me?

I shut my eyes tightly and turned away from the mirror. I can't stand to look at myself any longer. I'm hideous.

The clock in Niall's living room rang, telling me that it had just turned midnight. How does time pass so fast? I sat down on his couch and placed my hand on my knees, roughly digging my nails into the cloth of my jeans.

I can't sleep here tonight. I need to leave.

Picking up my shirt off the floor, I went into the kitchen and found a red sharpie in a drawer. I quickly left him a note before leaving the house.

'I had to leave, i'll see you soon. -Harry x'

-

I found a 24 hour store next to Louis' house and went in, hoping no one would notice my shirt.

"Excuse me," I said to a man who seemed to work here, "can you show me where the flowers are?"

He turned around and creased his eyebrows at me. Why is he looking at me like that?

"Are you okay?" He asked me, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I moved away from his touch and nodded my head. "I'm fine," I snapped, "show me where the flowers are."

He led me to the very back of the store and pointed to a row of roses. "You must have really messed up, huh? What did your lady say?"

"What do you mean?"

He laughed. "No one comes to the store at midnight buying roses unless they messed up big time. What did you do?"

I clenched my fist and took a step towards him. "Are you kidding me? How could you just assume that? Do your fucking job and stop asking so many questions,"

I pushed past him and grabbed the closest bouquet of roses next to me. I don't care how they look. Louis better appreciate these.

I walked back up to the the register and let out a sharp breath when I saw the same man was standing behind it. Aren't there any other employees here?

I roughly handed the roses to him and impatiently waited for him to ring them up.

"Listen, I didn't mean to be so rude to you earlier. I was just wondering," he whispered, never looking at me.

"Then stop wondering."

I slapped 10 dollars on the table in front of him, not knowing exactly how much they were. He gently handed me the roses and I walked out of the store as fast as I could.

-

I rang Louis doorbell and wrapped both my hands around the roses, squeezing tighter than I meant to. I'm so nervous. Will he threaten to hurt me again? I understand he's scared of me, I would be too. But he knows I would never hurt him. I would never, ever, hurt Louis, and it pains me that he doesn't know that. I saw the curtain by the door move and I took in a sharp breath as Louis' beautiful face came into view.

Fear took over his face and he shook his head, silently telling me to go away.

I mouthed the word 'please' and he rolled his eyes before abruptly shutting the curtains. I was about to walk away until I heard the door unlock.

The door slowly opened and slightly exposed Louis' little body, his stance nervous.

"Harry, you can't-"

"Please let me talk first," I begged, cutting him off.

He bit his lip and I took that as a silent 'okay.'

"I've had too many chances and I know that," I began, "but i'm trying, I really am. I was just standing up for the people I love and it just happened. I was angry, so fucking angry. You don't understand what I've been feeling, Louis. I hate everything about myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I act, and I hate how I think. And most importantly, I hate who I am without you. You make me sane. You're the only person that that can calm me down when i'm upset and I lost you. I'll never forgive myself for what I did and I know neither will you, but i'm trying to get better. And to get better, I need the only person that can make me happy. I love you so much and I'm begging you for just one more chance. I'll get better, I swear,"

Louis looked down. "You bought me roses?"

"Yeah," I slurred, "I didn't know what kind of flowers you like-"

"They're beautiful," he smiled, taking them from my hands.

I smiled as he looked at me one more time before wrapping his small arms around my body, pulling me in for a hug.

"I love you too," Louis sighed into my neck.