The Desired Effect ~ Cameron Liddell

Chapter 31. "DOA" The End

The comedown was awful. I was so high I didn't even realize what I had done at the time. But I remembered. The drugs on my sober, healthy body, hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe a boulder. And during the tortuous comedown, I had no sympathy. Cameron took me home, and didn't yell or scream, but did not comfort me while I did. I hated my best friend and told him he should have let me die. Everyone heard. I didn't think I believed it until the words came out of my mouth. And sober as a judge. Vomiting and crying at the same time, I realised it. Having a nice house and an expensive house and wearing nice clothes meant nothing to me. I didn't want it anymore. I wanted to wear ripped jeans and a sweater all day and live back in our shit apartment and have messy hair and only do black eye makeup. I wanted to smoke cigarettes on the porch overlooking west Hollywood. I wanted to lay in the sun on a park bench and be calm with the fact that I was dying. Because I was okay with it. I didnt have to work to maintain my composure every day. I could do whatever I wanted and eat whatever I wanted and go wherever I wanted. I wanted to be unbothered. I threw up so much blood start coming out. I picked myself up off the cold black tiles of the ensuite bathroom, and grasped the even colder silver handle on the toilet. I spit into it one last time before taking a deep breath and flushing. I wiped my mouth and pulled my hood over my head, walking right past Cameron who was waiting outside the door. I slowly stumbling down the stairs and out the back door. I lit a cigarette. I sat on the floor. "What did you mean?" Cameron's voice rung in my ears like smacking two steel pipes together in an empty room.

"What did I mean about what." I replied ever so softly.

"You said you hate Danny." I let the sun melt me like ice cream on the sidewalk. I took another drag. "And-"

"I remember - unfortunately."

"What did you mean when you said I shouldn't be here?" He sat down next to me and put his hand in mine. "Why do you hate Danny."

"I wanted to die. I was okay with it. I always hated him a little for keeping me alive." I admitted. "I said I shouldn't be here because I don't want to be?"

"You mean you wanna die?"

"No, no. I just miss when it wasn't hard every day. It's a little hard most days. I miss the apartment. I miss when people left me alone with you. I miss when I could go on a walk with you and not get stopped."

"So you don't... Want to be famous?"

"I never really wanted to be, but that's passed. I don't know. Cleaning ladies and cream colored interior design and a welcome mat and throw pillows aren't me. I don't know when I thought they were. And I know they aren't you. I don't wanna be this person anymore." I had given myself a headache.

"So you want it to be 2009 again?" Cameron chuckled.

"I guess that's how it would appear." I sat up, and took a long drag off my cigarette. I looked Cameron in the eyes. "Don't you miss drugs?"

"What?" He snapped.

"Feeling so calm. You used to look at me like I was the only thing keeping you alive. It was glorious. Don't you ever miss it?" He sighed and was silent for a while, when he looked to the ground.

"Sometimes. When I think about it. There's nothing else quite like that feeling. But then, I remember how our friends hated us."

"I hated them."

"You loved Danny. You lied to him about eating so he wouldn't worry. You can't tell me you didn't care."

"I still hated him. I just wanted to keep up the imagine of a girl that he loved once. Though I know I wasn't doing a good job."

"You wanted him to love you?" Cameron said curiously, raising and eyebrow.

"Not because I loved him like that. I never did. I just wanted to be loved. The attention felt nice. "

"You were still lying to everyone. You were lying to me. You were trying to kill yourself and I loved you too much to care about anything but staring at you. We were dying. Everyone hated us. The band was suffering. Things weren't good. Would you really want that again?"

"No, no. I'm not saying I wanna do that again. I don't. We have to change the house. Or get a smaller one. Why do we need a house with so many rooms, for just two people, Cammy?"

"I- really don't know." He wiped my cheek gently with his knuckles. "It just seemed right when we got the money. Why didn't you tell me you felt like that?"

"I didn't know I did."

"Then we'll fix it. We can find a way to make things us again. We can try whatever we need to until we're us again."

The end!!!