The Desired Effect ~ Cameron Liddell

Chapter 12. "Running Off Like That"

I woke up with a gasp and looked around. I was back in the shack, in the desert. I grabbed the phone beside me. It was dead. I saw a blue glow from across the room. Soft blue like the color I watched Danny's veins glow with a needed in his arm. It was a needle across the floor. I looked down at my wrists and when my eyes adjusted I saw no needle marks. Good. Smart. I got up slowly and walked around. The floor was cold and I felt a pain in my stomach. I was starving. I looked around inside for a fridge, or food, or anything, but found nothing. When I walked outside I was greeted by the same emptiness as last time. "Naomi." I heard Danny call. My heart leapt into my throat. I looked around and found nothing. "Naomi." He whispered from behind me. I turned around and there was nothing there. "Naomi I'm in your head."

"What?" I said nervously, still looking around.

"I'm in your head Naomi. Stop looking for me."

"Why are you in my head?" I stopped and closed my eyes.

"He doesn't love you."

"What?" I opened my eyes and Danny was standing right in front of me. He spoke but didn't move his lips. "Danny."

"He doesn't love you."

"W-"

"I do." I saw him say, but did not hear it.

I woke up with a gasp and looked around. Bunk. Thank god no shack. Bus. Danny. What did Danny mean, Cameron doesn't love me? Yes he does. That's not true. Cameron just fucked up. And I fucked too. I'm dreaming about him now. I got out of bed. It was the middle of the night and Danny was sitting at the booth with his chin on his fists, staring out at the road. I grabbed a thin blanket and wrapped it around myself as I sat across from him. "Another dream?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "The same thing." I decided not to tell him I had a dream about the drugs. Or him. If anyone woke up or even heard us talking at all they would assume something else was going on with us again, I knew it, but it was very early in the morning and I was too tired to care. I wished I never slept with Danny if for nothing else but to escape the reputation. Among the rest of the band and all our friends who might find out, I would get called a cheater, a liar, a betrayer, I would get the blame if all of this did ruin mine and Cameron's relationship. They would say he just made a mistake, so he would get off for free. I regretted sleeping with Danny, but I did not regret hurting Cameron back.

"Ah. Repeating dreams. Means something. I wonder what." I looked up at him, but he kept his eyes on the road. I pulled my knees up to my chest and leaned my back on the window, staring forward at the clock on the microwave. 6:31am. "I just woke up. I had a dream about you."

"Oh yeah?" I whispered.

"Yeah. We were in my apartment."

"Let me guess, we fucked again?" I sighed.

"No." He looked to me quickly. "I don't need to dream about that anymore. We were just talking."

"Just talking?"

"Yeah. About everything. Everything in the entire world. Love and hate and peace and war and the band and the girls and everything. In my dreams you're a little more eloquent than you are in real life. An amateur philosopher, even. And I, a master philosopher, had so many extremely smart things to say." He looked at me to see if I would laugh but quickly turned his attention back to the road.

"Oh." I said, jealous that he had dreamt of something good. Isn't that sad?

"And, you told me you were leaving Cameron, because he doesn't love you." I looked up at him.

"You told me that in my dream."

"Oh." We didn't speak for a while. I rewrapped myself in my soft thin blanket and leaned my head to the side on the back of the bench. I was also sorry for using Danny, because if I put aside every terrible and obnoxious thing he'd done, I did believe that his feelings were real, and it wasn't fair of them to use that against Cameron only to wave it back in Danny's face when we inevitably made up. Cameron and I forgave each other enough that we could sleep in the same bunk, sure, but deep inside a part of my soul still felt a little bit smaller. "I know it's not true. He loves you a lot. More than I've seen anyone love anyone else." I sighed.