The Desired Effect ~ Cameron Liddell

Chapter 17. "Moving On"

Vegas behind us, we managed to escape with little to no damage - which was what I thought until I tallied up the score. A concussion, a bruise so big I looked like the victim of a failed lobotomy, drug scandal, nudes released. I felt like a celebrity in the worst way. Everyone was on edge - Danny was spacey and followed me everywhere I went, Cameron wanted me to wait a little while before getting a phone again, and everyone else was looking at me like if they blew their cigarette smoke too hard in my direction I would shatter. Everyone had found the account full of my phone contents and tagged me in it all like there was no tomorrow. Luckily, they hadn't gotten to my computer. I went through every account and deleted every picture that may have been even slightly incriminating, and anything that had to do with an injury of mine, even if we did decide to leave the leak account alone.

Unwilling to leave the bus at all three stops between Vegas and LA for more than a cigarette and a supervised shower, that didn't leave much to do but twitch. I snorted it, my method of choice, and everyone else injected it somewhere. Usually the neck or wrist. It was the only thing we had left to cope, the only thing we had that wasn't broadcasted for the entire world to see. It was the only reason I had the energy to go on anymore - before it gave me energy, but after enough doses it just made me happy and calm enough to carry on with my hermit half-life. It took away what was left of my appetite almost entirely, but because everyone else was high or busy, no one seemed to take much notice when I didn't eat at meal times, or how much weight I was losing, so I stopped keeping track and stopped wearing anything that wasn't big enough to hide my body. After a while even when I was hungry, everything I ate turned to ash in my mouth and sat like coal in my stomach. We finally made it back to Los Angeles for a show - the date I had been looking forward to - almost all of the hype died down. We all got to sleep in our own beds that night, and I was supposed to decide whether or not I was going to stay on tour or stay home.

"Thank god." Cameron and I both fell into our bed at the same time, all of our bags left at the door with the key hanging in the lock. Everyone was so excited to sleep in our own beds that the second we got to the next venue we all got cars back home, so early in the morning the sun hadn't even risen yet. We didn't get much sleep last night.

"I missed this nasty mattress of ours. I missed the spring digging into my spine. I never thought I would miss it."

"I love our house." Cameron said dreamily. We both took a three hour nap by accident, on top of the covers and sprawled out on our backs. My lengthy to-do list included unpacking all of our suitcases straight into the washing machine, scrubbing myself in the shower until my skin turned red and I felt fresh again, and smoking on our balcony to start our day. Cameron came out and pulled the ends of my wet hair out of the neck of my sweatshirt before lighting his own cigarette. "I missed this." He sat down on the floor beside me. I raised an eyebrow. "Being home with you. I just like being home with you." I stretched out to lean my head on his shoulder as I watched the busy street below. From our tenth floor balcony we could see the tops of most of the buildings in our area, half of them with rooftop patios of the bars beneath, and the other half littered with mismatched lawn chairs for whoever lived there to have their own parties. People

"I love you Cam."

"I love you too." I burned the memory of the Hollywood sign into my brain, and went inside to change over the washing and see if we had anything I could possibly make Cameron for dinner. I wasn't great at cooking, and the thought of eating made my stomach turn, but I wanted to be a good wife. We didn't have anything anyways. While Cameron showered I repacked our suitcases with new clothes and anything we had run out of on the road. Lots of hairspray, extra sun cream, new shaving razors. "Have you decided yet?" Cameron called as he walked out of the bathroom and into our room, butt naked and dripping water all over the floors like I told him not to a thousand times.

"No one can promise me that I'm safer at home or on the road. If it's better to be home and away from the drama or if it's better to be with you and know what's going on."

"You know I don't want you to stay home. I want you to stay with us, and I think it's safer. But if you think, maybe you'll be happier here, or calmer or something, maybe it's a good idea. Go back to work if you want, get back into your routine, get sober." Yeah, as if. "Make sure it's what you want, is all. But even if it's not. You know we'll always come back for you." He looked me in the eyes. His beautiful brown eyes on his beautiful face. "I will always come back for you, Naomi."

"I know." I nodded. We caught up on all of the reality TV shows Cameron promised the guys he only watched because I was playing it, even though he knew all the character's names and was deeply invested in the drama, and drank until catching a cab to the show. We caught up to everyone waiting around in GA for the opening band to finish sound check.

"You look much better without makeup." Danny appeared in front of me. I rolled my eyes. "You look cleaner. Happier. Lighter."

"Yeah, cause I took a nap and a shower in my own fucking house. And I look lighter because I am lighter." Danny picked me up and shook me around a little before putting me back.

"Definitely lighter." He raised an eyebrow. "You know, if you want people to stay off your back about it, you do actually need to at least maintain some weight." After Vegas, Danny treated me differently too. He wasn't mean anymore, wasn't pushing me, wasn't begging me for attention at every hour of the day and then scolding me when I finally paid it.

"I know." I sighed uncomfortably. "But that might not be a worry for much longer. Tonight might be my last stop on tour." Danny stepped back slightly. No one had told him.

"All good here?" Cameron walked over and looked me in the eyes.

"Yeah." I forced a smile, beginning to feel tired again. We didn't bring any twitch home with us so I was sobering up more and more as the hours passed, and I needed a fix.

"Not really." Danny stuttered, trying to force a smile but it wouldn't stick. He walked away.

"What happened?" Cam sat in his place. I shrugged.

"I told him I might be leaving." Cam nodded. Asking was rounded up for sound check, and soon after that they filled the venue. I couldn't find Danny to ask what was wrong so I set myself up at merch. I kept two tip jars out - one called "new bra fund" and one called "booze fund". It was always interesting to see which made more at the end of the night. I met a few cool fans before the show, and took a few pictures with people before everyone cleared out to watch the show. I kept Cameron's phone on me while he was playing, "for safekeeping and to keep you safe" he said. I mainly just scrolled on Instagram and liked fan pictures so it at least looked like Cameron did. Between all the bands there was a small wave of people buying merch, but most people didn't want to lose their place in the crowd.

Watching Cameron and the band on stage reminded me why I went on tour in the first place. It wasn't just to fight and party, and it wasn't really just to spend time with Cameron either. Since before I met Asking Alexandria, all I wanted to do, more than anything in the entire world, was to see them play. They all looked so happy on stage, so full and so content, that I felt the same way I did the first time I got to see it. Seeing them bounce around, spitting water into the crowd, their serious faces during the songs but their beaming grins during the quiet parts. Ben loved to hear the crowd singing back at him. I went on tour to watch my friends have fun. To witness the amazing things they could do and to be there for the part of history they were carving. We sold almost all the merch and when it was clear that all the fans had left the venue everyone came out to help me pack up and load in again, like every other night. We laughed and joked together, with no yelling or fighting all night. It made me happy. It made me wish every night could be like that. But knowing that it could be that good, even some nights, I made my decision. We all said goodbye - everyone giving me a real goodbye just in case they wouldn't be seeing me the next day. Danny hugged me so tightly I thought he might break me, and told me to be safe, and to call.