The Desired Effect ~ Cameron Liddell

Chapter 17. "Moving On"

Vegas behind us, we managed to escape with little to no damage. Which was what I thought, until I tallied up the score. A concussion, a bruise so big I looked like the victim of a failed lobotomy, drug scandal, nudes released. I felt like a celebrity in the worst way. So maybe we didn't really escape Vegas unharmed. Everyone was on edge - Danny was spacey and followed me everywhere I went, Cameron wanted me to wait a little while before getting a phone again, and everyone else was giving me weird looks. I had checked social media on my computer. Everyone had found the account full of my phone contents. And tagged me in it all like there was no tomorrow. I went through every account and deleted every picture that may have been even slightly incriminating, and anything that had to do with an injury of mine. So unwilling to leave the bus at all three stops between Vegas and LA for more than a cigarette, that didn't leave much to do but Twitch. So that's what we did - Danny staying in his bunk the whole time. I snorted it, my method of choice, and everyone else injected it somewhere. Usually neck or wrist. James still couldn't do it himself. Sam looked like everything he was seeing he was seeing for the first time in his life - and it was amazing. And Ben seemed to act like the typical stoner. Twitch seemed to be the only reason that I had energy to do anything anymore. Before it made me energetic, but after Vegas it made me how I was supposed to be. It took away what was left of my appetite almost entirely. No one really seemed to notice when I didn't eat, or when I was losing weight, so I didn't bother keeping track anymore. I ate when I could manage, and it wasn't often. Cameron and I were high almost all the time. I kept my head down, and out of the spotlight for a little, and all the drama seemed to die down. We finally made it back to Los Angeles for a show - the date I had been looking forward to - Cameron and I got to sleep in our own bed. And it was when I decided whether or not I would keep going and finish the tour. "Thank god." Cameron and I both fell into our bed at the same time.

"I missed this nasty mattress of ours." I sighed. "I never thought I would miss it."

"I love our house." Cameron said dreamily. We both took a three hour nap by accident. The first thing I did when I woke up was unpack our suitcases into the washer, and go out on the balcony for a cigarette. Cameron came out a few minutes later. "I missed this." He sat down on the floor beside me. I raised an eyebrow. "Smoking cigarettes on our tiny porch, and sleeping in our bed, and our messy apartment. I hated it when I lived here alone but I could live in a cardboard box with you and be this happy." I smiled.

"I love you Cam."

"I love you too." We both smoked a few cigarettes and I took in the view from the porch. The grey rooftops of the shorter buildings around us. The trees below. The size people looked on the sidewalk from that height - like flies we decided. I burned the memory of the Hollywood sign into my brain, and went inside to change over the washing and go for a shower. I finally felt clean for the first time in weeks. I repacked my suitcase with new clothes and anything I had run out of on the road. "Have you decided yet?"

"No. I can't. No one can promise me that I'm safer at home or on the road. If it's better to be home and away from the drama or if it's better to be with you and know what's going on.

"You know I don't want you to stay home. I want you to stay with us, and I think it's safer. But it's your choice, baby. If you think, maybe you'll be happier here. Maybe you'll be calmer. Maybe then it's a good idea. But I would miss you like crazy."

"I'll decide tomorrow morning." I took his hand and squeezed it tightly.

"Make sure it's what you want. But even if it's not. You know we'll always come back for you." He looked me in the eyes. His beautiful brown eyes on his beautiful face.

"I know." I nodded. He smiled slightly before looking down again. We watched TV and made dinner together, while drinking - all like we did went we weren't on tour - before catching a cab to the venue. The bus was there, but no one was staying on it tonight. Everyone got one night at home. We all met up with the guys and I sat around on the stage while one of the opening bands did soundcheck.

"You look much better without makeup." Danny appeared in front of me. I rolled my eyes. "You look cleaner. Happier. Lighter."

"Yeah, cause I took a nap and a shower in my own fucking house." I laughed. "And I look lighter because I am lighter." Danny picked me up and shook me around a little before putting me back.

"Definitely lighter." He raised an eyebrow. "You know, if you want people to stay off your back about it, you do actually need to at least maintain some weight."

"I know." I sighed. "To all of it. But that might not be a worry anymore." He gave me a look. "Tonight might be my last stop on the tour." He didn't say anything.

"All good here?" Cameron walked over and looked me in the eyes.

"Yeah." I forced a smile, beginning to feel tired again. I needed more.

"Not really." Danny stuttered, trying to force a smile but it wouldn't stick. He walked away.

"What happened?" Cam sat in his place. I shrugged.

"I told him I might be leaving." Cam nodded. Asking was rounded up for sound check, and soon after that they filled the venue. I couldn't find Danny to ask what was wrong. I kept two tip jars out - one called "new bra fund" and one called "booze fund". It was always interesting to see which made more at the end of the night. I met a few cool fans before the show, and took a few pictures with people before everyone cleared out to watch the show. I had a few moments to check Cameron's phone. He gave it to me whenever he was on stage, "for safe keeping and to keep you safe" he said. He usually didn't get any messages or calls and that night was no different. I mainly just scrolled on Instagram and liked fan pictures so it at least looked like Cameron did. Between all the bands there was a small wave of people buying merch, but most people didn't want to lose their place in the crowd. I put Cam's phone back in my bra until the show ended. I was there for another twenty minutes talking to people and trying to get rid of the last of the merch for the night. We sold almost everything and when it was clear that all the fans had left the venue everyone came out to help me pack up and load in again, like every other night. The show was amazing, as usual. The whole night reminded me why I went on tour in the first place. When things were good we all worked together in perfect harmony, like a big family. We laughed and joked together, with no yelling or fighting. It made me happy. It made me wish every night could be like that. But knowing that it could be that good, even some nights, I made my decision. We all said goodbye - everyone giving me a real goodbye just in case they wouldn't be seeing me the next day. Danny hugged me so tightly I thought he might break me, and told me to be safe, and to call.