The Desired Effect ~ Cameron Liddell

Chapter 5. "Family."

The only difference between that morning and every other was that we weren't sweaty, and the first thing I smelled wasn't the cigarette in Ben's hand all the way from where he was sleeping in the driver's seat. We had rings on our fingers, and we had said I do, and all was said and done. Signed and sealed. My hair stuck up in every direction and my dress was crumpled up in a ball on the floor, and I knew before I looked in the mirror my makeup had gone all raccoon-y. Cameron thoroughly enjoyed the lingerie I picked out, and enjoyed it all night.

The thick, down-filled comforter warmed me through while the air conditioner next to the shaded window to my left kept my head cool and fresh. Compared to the bunks, that bed was like sleeping on an extremely spacious cloud. Cameron could stretch out without sleeping half on top of me with one of his legs hanging out, and I discovered there was in fact a position for him to lay in that didn't make him snore. I pushed Cameron's hair out of his face and he nuzzled into my hand. He only looked peaceful while he was sleeping - it was also the only time he was quiet.

I learned one thing about Cameron immediately after joining him on tour. First, he was very shy, which is why he was always the last one to go outside and meet fans, but around just the group, he never, ever shut up. My shyness came from anxiety, but his came from either general lack of interest in others, or the fact that he had nothing to say - but when he had nothing to say, he was busy in his head. One day I would learn how to coax it all out of him.

"Good morning, Mrs. Liddell." I grinned. "My beautiful wife."

"Good morning Mr. Liddell. My lovely husband."

"Say it again." I giggled, and rolled onto my back.

"My husband. Husband husband husband. Whom I love so dearly. Cameron Liddell is my husband." He sighed dreamily.

"Well, my wife." He finally opened his eyes and looked at me over his arm. "I don't think I ever want to get out of this bed.

"You say that every day."

"Well, I never want to get out of bed. This is such a nice one too." Cameron rolled over and rested his head on my chest, and pulled the heavy covers over us so I could only see the top of his head. "I love your boobs. I'm not moving." I wrapped my arms around his big head and started playing with his hair and scratching his head like he was my new puppy and I wasn't just the monkey on his back.

"I can't fight that one. My boobs are pretty good." He lifted his head up and kissed one before putting his head back.

"You're going to come live with us right? After tour is over. I'm not living a whole country away from you." When he said us I was hoping he didn't mean with everyone else, but even ten people in one apartment would still be better than the bunks. Brandi had her own apartment, Myca was in university so she lived in a dorm, and I never heard otherwise about anyone else. "We can go back and get some of your stuff if you want too."

"I don't want to go back there." All my makeup, a few outfits, my only pair of shoes, and three keepsakes was good enough for me. It was too early for me to miss my home and my family, and I was powerfully occupied, but I expected that in a few weeks, especially when we finished tour, that I would feel the appropriate amount of immoral shame. Running away from home made me what I was, and at Cameron's side was where I always belonged, but not missing the life I left behind would mean that it was never once where I was meant to be, never once at home, and that was too painful to confront.

If I did not miss my parents, that meant I did not love my family. If I did not call after my brother, that meant I was a bad sister. If I did not miss a home where I had enough, and was loved enough, that meant I was unforgivably ungrateful. I texted my mom the night before to say "Can I call you tomorrow?" and the message bounced back immediately. She changed her number, or blocked mine. That was enough.