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torn.

"what did you get," they all ask.
"how did you do?"

you smile, and reply to them.
"i don't know. what did i get?"
"i don't know. how did i do?"
"i got a grade! isn't that super exciting!?"

but inside, it tears you up inside.
whenever they talk about it, or say things like, "i got one wrong! how could i have got one wrong?" and then you think about what you got, and how your parents will react. you wish your school didn't have an online gradebook, and that you had done better in sixth grade, so your parents didn't get weekly emails with everything that's been entered in the gradebook.

it rips you apart inside. and you hate it. but you got the grade you got. no one else did. you deserved the grade you got. you didn't do well? it's your fault.

and so all you can think about is how much of a failure you are, and how everybody got at least 9% more than you. how everyone got one letter grade or more than you. how your grade will be affected. what your teacher will think about you, getting a c on your very first vocabulary quiz of the year.

you studied. you studied quite a bit. you knew the material well enough. but you must have not studied enough, because what good did it do you in the end?

and you keep making up excuses for yourself. it was an online test. you don't do well on those, ever, and that's probably why. but you know the truth. you're just a failure. you don't know how to study, or how to do well at anything.

and all of this keeps replaying in your mind, over and over again. the horror you felt, when you finished the test and saw your grade on the laptop screen, in big, black letters. 78%. C. and in that moment, all the optimism you had for the year vanishes, and you know you have no hope left.