Trapped by Emotions

Every Story has an End

Well, after everything I went through, I came to a decision that maybe even I should try to kill myself and simply end everything, I won't have to feel any pain, I won't have to live on this world and finally, I will die one way or another one day, so there will be no hard feelings. Predictably, I didn't do it of course, I was never a person that could kill himself, I love myself and despite of every mistake I do and every pain I feel, I try to live on and everybody should do the same, that's what hardcore music taught me and a lot of other things in life. However, the same could not be said about Rosalie...

          Rosalie, the weird girl she always was, always had a bit different view on the world and all the situations in general, she was led entirely by her feelings and emotions, she rarely used her mind. We were in an incredibly great amount of fights in the following few weeks, honestly, we did argue a lot even before, but this time it was worse than ever, we were always arguing about the same things. She wanted to go out drinking, she became someone that she was before our relationship, that girl that didn't know what she really wanted. In fact, I realized that it wasn't all about the baby (of course, we will never get over it, it's a death, but life went on). However, I wasn't ready to let her go ruin her life so I didn't want to let her go out just yet, I never wanted to break up with her, but I sensed that the end was near. Unfortunately, I never faced it directly. I was fooling myself that it would never happen, that it wasn't possible.

          One day, all of a sudden, I just decided to ignore Rosalie and everything she does, she was acting childish and this wasn't the Rosalie I knew, I went to college one day with a turned off phone, I wasn't interested in those stupid fights anymore, I just hoped she would realize that she was wrong, that I am not responsible for all our fights and I also hoped that she would be ready for some serious talk, not some childish games she always plays, like crying or making up some excuses when she can't stand it anymore. However, the result was really unexpected. When I came home, there was no Rosalie, she took her things and everything, there was just a message on my phone when I turned it back on saying: «Well, Deim, this is over, you just can't understand me and I can't stand any of this anymore, we aren't meant for each other, all this was just a beautiful dream, but it would never work, it's too obvious.»

          I was in a shock, I just hoped that this was all just an affect caused by frustration and anger, so I decided to call her, but she wasn't answering any of my calls, it was then that I started to worry, after I tried to get her for tenth time or something, she finally answered in a voice full of fury, but she wasn't yelling (I could feel her fury just by the way she sounded on the phone). I don't remember when was the last time that I was so afraid as in that moment. It was after that conversation that I realized she wasn't kidding and that she was in fact, deadly serious...

          After that break-up, I was still fooling myself that it's all just one really ugly nightmare from which I will wake up, come back some time and live on with my life with Rosalie, just the way as it was before, but no, I lost everything, I didn't know what was going on with my friends that I was still good with, I didn't know where was Rosalie and then I finally realized when I saw her in the city hanging out with Trixie once again, then I realized that it's over, it was like a punch to the head. I had to get drunk that night so badly, who else to call than Harry at that times, he was still on my side, I told him about everything on the phone and I was feeling so much better after that, he even told me that he missed the times when he and I would just go out and have fun without any girls or whores or anything similar. Percy was also going to be with us that night. I came out a bit later that night since I was working on some project for the next year of college, but I was disappointed when I saw Trixie and Tom out along with Harry, Percy, Freddie and some Tom's friend that I didn't know. Well, I sat down with all of them, Trixie and Tom didn't say a word to me in the beginning, I was just speaking to Harry and Percy who all of a sudden, started listening to music. However, Freddie started speaking to me about reconciling with me, I told him that we should speak a bit more privately, then we left a few meters further and talked. I told him that I was sorry about everything and about the fact that we stopped hanging out together, he said that it's not a problem, that he understands that I was in love and that I was blinded. I told him that he was right and asked him with lot of fear about that question: «Did Rosalie really cheat on me?» He just said: «I'm sorry mate, that's what I heard.» I was disappointed, but somehow accepted the fact. I just tried to have fun the rest of the night, I was out very late, I got drunk and weird enough, when Percy and Harry went home, I was in the company with only Freddie, Tom, Trixie and that friend of Tom's, of course, I wasn't aware of that completely since I was drunk, but I knew it's time I reconcile with the world...