not your cup of tea (venting)

sick and tired

mom can you teach me how to vomit?
the pills aren't working

first my brother gets the flu, now i have a fever
sick.
i'm a sick person.
thief.
whore.
bitch.
pussy.
slut.
toy.
s i c k.
it gets harder to breathe everyday
i can't keep my eyes open
the blade was sharp and clean
mom and dad won't find it
its buried under acrylic paint
i wont go to school today
dad said i cant
the pills are big, mom said i have to eat before taking them
but i dont want to eat
i dont deserve to eat
i only deserve to starve and die
people tell me im thin
i think im not thin enough
i aspire to be nothing but bones
that dream of being beat up was great
they finally did it
they didnt lie to me like the others
:)
im not good enough
im not good enough
i am not useful
i am useless
i am a disgrace
i shouldnt be alive
i shouldve just jumped off that cliff
why didnt i tell mom and dad i needed help
because i dont want to burden them with money to pay
not rich not wealthy
i can't lift my shoulders, they're sleeping
dad thought i was dead when he tried sitting me up to take the medicine
i stayed limp, i didnt want to try
i am nothing
nothing
Nothing
NOTHING
to anyone
to anybody
to everything
i dont belong
ugly
little
duckling

eat the same food everyday
fat
stay on the floor all day
useless
go back to sleep
welcome back to hell
i want to be happy again
im happy sometimes
but
are people even happy for me
ive never heard anybody say they're happy for me either that or its been so long ive forgotten
i want someone to be happy for me, happy that i..
there isnt anything that people should be happy about me
i didnt do anything
i didnt deserve anything
i didnt get anything
anything
would people be happy for me when i finally get that wish
of dying
happy that im not going to be in a mental hell anymore
happy im not going to be ruining your lives
happy that i dont exist anymore
happy that i see something good in front of me before i lose it
happy i'm not out of my mind and losing it anymore
happy
that i can feel properly loved
that i can feel right
that i could feel better than i did before he died
...
but happiness is only a chemical.
and one i dont have anymore
just sadness lingers on
forever
it never ends
sleepless nights
anxiety of being hurt or even cheated on
it never stops
help me please.
i cant choke down the sadness any longer.
i dont want to grow to chug down the alcohol to make me forget
no more
no more
please.
if i do give in
i never want to hear the lies of never seeing the signs
i never want to hear that i was a good person who was loved my everyone because YOU DAMN RIGHT KNOW THATS A LIE
I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT THOUGHT I WAS CHEERFUL, I CRIED IN FRONT OF THE CLASS I CRIED IN FRONT OF MY BEST FRIEND
I WAS NEVER GOOD IM A PATHETIC HUMAN BEING
NOBODY TREATS ME LIKE IM HUMAN IM ALWAYS TREATED LIKE IM SOMEONE ELSE
EVERYONE PREACHING ABOUT EQUALITY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO TREAT THE SUFFERERS LIKE SHIT
I HATE ME
I HATE HUMANITY
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MY SELF
i hate.
love will dominate over love but there is so little you can love about life but so much you can hate.
...
im so sorry
i shouldnt be yelling
or else ill be punished
forgive me im sorry
i forgot i wasnt allowed to speak
unless spoken to
im sorry